Need For Endurance to Run This Race {Life After Open-Heart Surgery}

Words that breath life cannot be birthed until they have been carried to full term and made ready to be delivered.

I've been burdened with the weight of bearing these words, but unable to bring them forth. I've been stuck and some might call it writer's block, but you'd have to consider yourself a real 'writer' to blame the block. It's more like they, the words, have been choked deep down inside me and I was too weak and weary to release them. Now, lately, they have been keeping me awake at night and I wonder if it's time to start gently labouring. To take some deep breaths and bear down in the pain and see what beauty might begin to emerge.

So, I'll take the role of midwife and speak softly and firmly to the heart and soul holding onto these words deep within and remind her to let go of the fear and with courage and love and a whole lot of brave to ease these words out and surrender them and trust.

There have been so many lessons of surrender and trust in the One who is Sovereign and breaths life into all and sustains life and is Life. But to hold onto them so tightly and refuse to let them out, well, they will only intensify the pain and not do anyone any good. The time has come to let them out into the world, wrap them up to be received, and hand them over that others can share in the blessing of the Suffering and Joy.

Five months ago today, this heart thought she was brave when she was wheeled into high-risk open-heart surgery, but coming out of it was a whole new story. For weeks after, when her body baffled even the wisest of Doctors, set-backs were relentless, and Death was a persistent knock at the door, she wanted to welcome it. And then she would remember that she had a husband and three young children and she would find that she was stuck in the middle of Living and Dying. Her husband would stand by her side and plead with her, look straight as arrows into her eyes and tell her that it's not her time for answering That Call and he firmly believed that God was not finished with her here on earth. "To live is Christ and to die is gain", she would scratch with her pencil on the clipboard when she had no voice and she would try to find a middle ground. But, with Living and Dying there is no middle ground, only Looking to Jesus so as to not grow weary and lose heart in the Living and run with endurance till we come to the end.

She knows her days, like everyone's, are numbered, but fear keeps her from, at times, living each one to the fullest. Every moment of her days she needs to surrender her life to and trust the One who knows every intimate detail of her time on this orbiting earth.

But, when Death is meddling with your Living, this trust confronts an entirely new vulnerability. She weeps in the darkness and through tears sees that it's not so much the welcoming of Death, but it's the desire for the Suffering to end. And when she keeps waking up and there is no end of Suffering on this spinning globe, she stands face to face with Grief. This Grief keeps her company for days and reminds her that Suffering is a result of Sin but at the same time this same Suffering transforms her, one degree at a time, into the very likeness of the Son of God. The One who endured Suffering for her sake and conquered Sin that she might know Life Eternal. And she learns all over again that God's glory shines brightest in her darkest days.

She's swollen with painful memories, but somewhere in the middle of Surrender and Trust is the Hope that she keeps speaking about to her own soul.

There is life to be lived,
lessons to be learned,
strength to be gained,
grace to be received,
glory to be revealed.

There are words that breath life and need to be birthed and Grace and Gospel to be spoken to her own soul to keep her moving forward with Hope in God. To prod her on to take one step more, one step more, give her faith for one step more, and with the need for endurance to run this race set before her even as it dips into deep valleys and great Suffering. For as she moves forward and along the way, she will find that Joy has been waiting for her in the midst of Suffering all along.

Five Minute Friday: Willing

The keypad is cold beneath my wrists as I fumble over my own fingers. I am not brave word warrior. I am a broken soul looking for beauty and meaning in this bloody mess.

It's crazy to bleed yourself, your heart, your story. It's all about this laying down, and letting go, and a love that drips. Mere bandages won't do. Stopping the flow is not the solution. It's trusting that what is offered is held as sweet aroma to the One who willingly suffered.

The hum of my heart beats loud as it bleeds and how it's heard I don't know. Sometimes it's stabbed and ripped apart carelessly. Isn't that what we do to one another?

It's the way of this world that lusts after success and craves to be seen. The desire to feel important is so desperate we step on the precious stories of fragile souls. We dig up the dirt to reveal the ugliness of the manure that inevitablely is mixed in with the rich earth allowing beautiful things to bloom.

And the beauty fades. Death creeps up and chokes the life. Dare we offer words when they may only be trampled on and tossed aside like dung.

We bleed, we ache, we taste the cold criticism and feel the lonely ache. Why press on when it hurts?

We are willing to bleed that others will know they are not alone. We bare our hearts that others will know that in the ugliness there is hope. We don't even know all our own dirt that lies deep. It's too dark to see. But, we believe that bleeding brings healing. Life conquers death.

When we pour out from our broken hearts we see our own brokenness first. We know we risk to be really known. We understand that we may be misunderstood. We lay our words down that love may heal wounds.

There is hope. The Word came and took on flesh that He might bleed. His heart was shattered. He was willing to feel the cold death that I deserved. He knew the suffering required of Him to offer hope. His story changed history. His death brought life.

You have to be willing to bleed to taste the sting of cold death and offer living hope.

***

Linking with Five Minute Friday at Lisa-Jo's place. This week the prompt is: Willing

Officially, the rules are:

1. Write for 5 minutes
2. Link up at Lisa-Jo's  and invite others to join in.

3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community...

Take a Break From Your Plans and Know His Presence

There's that saying that you can't see the forest for the trees. Well, I could barely see the trees.

So, I took a break. Kinda like when someone tells you to 'take a hike'.

It was a much needed break. I thought it would last a week. However, when the week had wrapped itself up, I found myself lost. I wasn't exactly sure how to find my voice back in this place.

I wanted to lose it altogether and, I think, maybe I did.

I got lost in a forest and couldn't find my own way out. I fainted and couldn't pick my own self up. I couldn't see clearly and I wanted the eyes of my heart to be enlightened that I could cling to living hope. To see the trees before me and know there is a greater plan. To remember hope remains even when I don't know the way winding through the woods.

I had to quiet everything down and focus on what was right in front of me. I had to stop to look deep into the ones that I could reach out and touch to know that I was really alive. I had to fall down to be able to walk on in faith.

What I thought would be a break, ended up breaking me.

I had to lose myself all over again to know that I really had been found.

I shut myself off from the noisy clamour all around me to pay attention to the soft gentle Voice of Truth and wait for Him to whisper.

What came loud and clear in the deafening silence was the truth that good things can take the place of God. Oh, the ugly reality that once that happens is they are no longer good things, but gods.

When you wake up to that you are forced to weigh in on some soul-searching questions.

Am I worshiping good things rather than God who has made all things?

Am I filling the longing for God's eternal presence with good and beautiful things that are meant to only point to God, not be gods?

Am I concerned more about my power, my plan, my purpose?

I thought I was discouraged from pouring out my life, but am I just desperate to be free from self-centred living?

I thought I would hush the distractions, but I was silenced and I saw idols.

I didn't just lose my voice, I lost my life all over again.

When I stopped to be quiet and I stilled to know God, my hands reached out to touch His mercy and my heart was assured of His presence.

Like the bleeding woman who touched the hem of His garment, she had to lay down low, reach out in simple faith and wait to filled to be able to stand up in His strength. His power went out into her. She was empowered to do the next thing.

One step at a time.

In my brokenness He gently embraced.

In my weakness He gave His power.

In my fainting He promised His presence.

In my lostness He found me and leads me home.

He never lets go and when I was trying walk by sight and lost my foothold, He was gently leading me on to higher places.

With Him.

Gathered in His arms, carried close to his heart.

{email subscribers can listen to 'Clear the Stage" by following this link} 

"Take a break from all the plans that you have made.

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper.


Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak.


And pray for real upon your knees until they blister . . . "




"Anything I put before my God is an idol.

Anything I want with all my heart is an idol. 

And anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol. 

And anything that I give all my love is an idol."

{lyrics from the song "Clear the Stage"}

The Dawn of a New Year & Introducing Words of Life Wednesdays

A fresh slate.

A crisp clean page to write another chapter of our lives.

Peering over the horizon with boundless possibilities.

It's the dawn of a new year.

The unknown ushers in excitement mixed with apprehension and perhaps even trepidation.

Beginnings.

Full of promise and anticipation and possibly even exhilaration.

I love beginnings.

I'm a great starter.

Ahh, but, I'm also a stellar staller—one that brings great laid plan to a standstill.

When I get to the end of the year and regret all that I failed to accomplish I love the fact that I get a fresh start every 365 days.

Another chance to refocus and reorient my dreams and aspirations for me and my children.

But with the resolving comes fear.

Fear that I'll let everyone down once again. A foreboding sense that I won't accomplish anything I set out to do or become.

A new year full of possibilities that will be sure to be pummelled and beaten to a pulp. 

Do I dare hope that this year will be any different?

Do I risk setting myself up for great things to take an even greater tumble?

Do I forge ahead into unknown lands or remain in my comfort zone from fear of failing?

The way I've come to see it, the only way I can advance forward is to be assured of the presence of the Lord.

Just as Joshua was reassured that the Lord would be with him as he entered the promised land, the Lord has promised to be with me as I continue on in this exciting adventure of faith.

"It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

There is no resolving until I am reassured of His presence.

I don't walk on this journey of faith alone.

I have step out into this broad new year with a leap of faith, but I put one foot in front of the other resting in the secure promise of God that He will be right there with me for every stumble and fall, and every triumph and victory.

It's not about me or what I accomplish it is all about who I am in Christ and the work He is doing that He has determined to do.

With that purpose I proceed.

A new resolution to refuse fear and rehash, "He will be with me."

"He will be with me."

I quietly began this little blog, A Soft Gentle Voice,  six years ago today, with the desire to listen to the Soft Gentle Voice of the Lord more faithfully. It is still my heart's desire to listen to God's Word and to share His love and faithfulness to others that may come by here for a brief visit or some that my decide to pull up a chair for awhile and pass along grace. 

I am excited for some changes to take place in the new year. I am introducing a theme on Wednesdays called "Words of Life" in which I'll share life giving words of God's Word, helping us to listen more intently to the Soft Gentle Voice of the One who has called us to Himself.

What Words of Life {God's Words that bring life} encourage you as we begin this new year?

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{Watch for link-ups in the weeks to come.}

Later this week, I hope to share my one word for 2014.

The Most Important Thing I Learned While Hunting in November 2013

"November is usually such a disagreeable month . . . as if the year had suddenly found out that she was growing old and could do nothing but weep and fret over it. This year is growing old gracefully . . . just like a stately old lady who know she can be charming even with grey hair and wrinkles. We've had lovely days and delicious twilights." 

~L.M. Montgomery, 'Anne of Avonlea'

She was nearly silenced.

Left without words to offer.

Stormed in with only a whisper.

Barely breathing in grace.

As the sun and moon took their turns in the November sky she could only keep hunting in the storms.

Groping her way to shelter.

Searching for refuge.

Gracefully bending under burdens.



Day after day, weak ones begged for intercession.

Storm after storm, weary ones cried out for sanctuary.

Battle after battle, warriors appealed for peace.

She tuned in for a song to be somewhere in the suffering.

She watched for joy to come in the mourning.

She waited for worship to follow the weeping.

She shook her head at the things that could silence her.

How the exhausting days, an off-handed comment, relentless struggles, winds of life whipping her in the face, darkest nights, and the depravity of her own soul could leave her hushed, scared, unsure of setting one foot in front of the other.

Her default, to wrap herself in fear instead of walking in faith, threatened to deride her.

But she had set out to hunt and although it looked different then she anticipated, in hunting, she opened her hand to God's grace, steadfast love and never-ending mercies, she released her grip on fear and she found refuge in the present suffering by seeing it in light of God's eternal promises.

Yes, tears fall in the tiring days.

Yes, strength fails in the storms of life.

Yes, disease and death do sting.

But as prayers are on the lips of the saints, the God who bottles our tears also gathers our prayers in golden bowls.

As our weeping endures for the moment, we know the victory has been won, the Messiah has come in mortal flesh as a babe, conquered all sin and death as the God-man, so our prayers will be worship to the One who sits on the Throne.

As our suffering must be seen in light of God's eternal promises, so our prayers will be made sweet incense when the worthy Lamb, who suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, opens the book and loosens the seals.

This is the thing with bottled tears and bowls of prayers:

God turns our wailing into dancing and our prayer into worship because, "behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has conquered" and we will weep no more.







When the world screams no God she yearns for more God.

So she set out in an earnest search and called this month 'Morevember'.

And she found that this hunting was just what she needed.

To open her eyes to see,

to open her hands to grasp,

to open her heart to hear.





So even when she was dumb she was not without a hope.

When her tears fell, she believed there would be a turning to joy.

When prayers faltered on her lips, she presented only groanings and was confident the Spirit would plead on her behalf.

With bold supplication she surrendered, knew her own weakness and found refuge.



November grew old, and now passes on with a white gleaming crown.

And the one who was silenced, now she silences the nay-sayers with a charm of her own.

She gives thanks for the delicious twilights and the sunrise after the storm.

For the Son in the midst of the storm.

For the Rock who is her Refuge.

She finds her song in the suffering.

Her hope in the hurting.

Her joy in the world.

In Him. More of Him.

In His presence. His goodness. His love.

November wanted to fill her right to the deepest marrow with melancholy.

But in the hunting, her ears were ripened to His music. His mercy. His grace.

In the silence her heart heard His song.

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing."

Emmanuel has come.

In the morning we wait for fullness of joy.

God with us.

***

This is the final post for this series of Hunting for more of God's Grace, Steadfast love and His Mercies that are new every morning in 'Morevember'.

I invite you to never stop hunting along with me for more of His mercy and grace  and steadfast love to see more of Him in #Morevember on Facebook and Twitter.




Enter your email address to subscribe to A Soft Gentle Voice and have this series delivered to your inbox.   

Linking with Emily. What have you learned this month? Please share.

Ten Things I Learned in August 2013

Wrapping up the last moments of our summer break. Reflecting on some of the fun things I learned the last month {and linking with Emily} and saying farewell to the lazy days of summer. It is back to the grind as school starts up and we buckle down and crack open the books tomorrow. I just thought I keep it light and highlight a few things I discovered.

1. My little one loves to snatch shoes and the louder the clip-clop the better! Obviously, it doesn't even matter if they match! No matter our age, we always try to walk in some else's shoes--even if it is not a good fit. Isn't that a life lesson we have to keep learning: stop comparing and walk in the way set out for you.

 2. I never knew baby bunnies look like little piglets. So I have named them 'bunlets'. We are watching these baby bunlets grow. In one week, they doubled in size. By the end of the month they were adorable little white fluffballs. My children have fallen in love with them and think they should be able to keep them all!

3. I have heard about others going Geocaching for years but have never done it.

Geocaching is the real-world treasure hunt that's happening right now, all around you. There are 2,207,372 active geocaches and over 6 million geocachers worldwide.

This month we found ourselves with friends in pioneer graveyards, out in fields and bushes, and along country roads looking for geocaches. It was great fun. I have to admit that the ones in the pioneer graveyards, I spent more time reading the gravestones than looking for the geochache. If you have never heard about it or tried it, grab a few freinds and a GPS and go for a treasure hunt!

4. For the first time in my life {that I can recall} I had poutine. I've been wanting to check out a poutine joint close to home and one day on the way to the beach we had poutine for lunch. I came to the conclusion that I prefer pure unadulterated french fries with salt and a wee bit of ketchup. The gravy and curds and all the toppings on the french fries are just too rich for me.

5. I did a fair bit of reading this month. I love to read by the water while my kids are playing. This summer I read quite a few library books on writing. The one prominent recurring theme was that if you want to write well, you need to write! Genius!! It is one thing to read about ways to improve your writing {which is also important} but just like anything else, if you want to improve you have to practice.  One fun way we practiced writing together as a family was writing three line poems. One person would say a word and then everyone would write a poem with three lines within three minutes. After three minutes we would share our poems and then do it again!

6. I am sure most people who have an iphone already know this, but I learned how to take screen shots on my phone this month . . . I was out on a nature trail with some friends and our husbands and kids were on a hunt to find us. I took a screen shot of our location with the compass app on the phone and sent it to them to find us according to our GPS co-ordinates. Kind of like geochaching, but for Moms instead ;)

7. We were invited to and had a wonderful time at an old-fashion pioneer picnic with chicken racing games and all. I found out that my husband is a champ at watermelon eating contests!!

 . . . and my daughter loves to highland dance to bluegrass music even though she's never had a lesson in her life . . . She thought she was the star performer!

8. I tried my hand at homemade nutella! I roasted some hazelnuts, melted down some chocolate and threw a few other things in the Vita-mix and voila!! Well, my first attempt was a fail, but the challenge is on to find a good recipe so we'll see what we come up with.

9. Mornings in the mist at the lake with my children and coffee is a marvelous way to start the day!

10. The end of August always comes to quickly. One person asked me: "How on earth do you do it: homeschool? Don't you need a break from your kids?" A few days later I read on Facebook about a friend who loves to homeschool because they have so much fun!! Honestly, I fit somewhere right in the middle. Yes, some days I need a break {and get yellow school bus envy} and some days are fun, but seriously, some days we just keep plugging away and I sure wouldn't call it fun. But, as we start up the new year, I am thankful for fresh starts and hope my children always find joy in learning.

So, at the end of Labour Day and on the eve of the first day of school, I've printed out fresh charts, we've got the school room {mostly} ready and we'll take a deep breath, continue in prayer and jump right in to another year of learning.

Words of Wisdom for the Weekend: Unlocking the Secrets of our Hearts

“In a sense journal keeping is a form of prayer;

we are ‘searching our hearts’ in God’s presence

and asking Him to ‘know our thoughts’.” 

~Luci Shaw ‘Life Path’

 *****

{Words for Wisdom for the Weekend: These are words that I have been challenged or encouraged by that I have read throughout my week that I kept pondering; words that I couldn't get off my mind and heart throughout my week. 

For other Words of Wisdom for the Weekend posts see here.}

Make Sure to Take Hold of the Moments {because moments slip through our fingers}

My fingers linger over the keyboard. Absolutely still.

I should be working on preparing thoughts on journalling to share with teens next week, but I seem to be procrastinating. The house is actually quiet--which doesn't happen very often, especially before 9:30 at night or after 6:45 in the morning, anyway--and I check the email, flip open Facebook, skim over a few blogs. {Bad idea}.

I find myself completely under-qualified and inspired at the same time. I've been reading a slew of books, soaking up wisdom from others who have been at this craft for a very long time and have so much more to offer.

I have much to learn. I realize that it is the same for everyone, however. No one arrives at knowing it all--as much as some may like to think or may like others to think about them.

How rewarding to admit it and reach down into the vast experience of others and be challenged to never stop learning.

It's true, there is nothing new under the sun. And it is there for all of us to unwrap.

There is much to discover about this amazing world.

There is much excitement to walk out into the unknown to make it known.

But don't miss that there is so much joy, and hope and peace to discover who we are and whose we are.

This is what is so rewarding and exciting about journalling: getting to a safe place to write to release our feelings and emotion, to really think about what we believe, and dare to chase our dreams. We get to scribble out what we don't know and piece it all together and be known.

It is too easy in this fast paced world to let life go by without taking hold of the moments and living abundantly. We only have these moments to live. If we don't stop to take notice, we will live without really living at all. Writing it out makes us slow down before it slips through our fingers.

Dare to surrender, slow down, savour life; taste and see that the Lord is good

and give thanks for all things.


~~~

Funny, now that my fingers have started typing, I seem to have found some inspiration to share.

That's what they say: get your fingers moving and the muse will come.

It's also not so funny that the house is not quiet anymore.

Words of Wisdom for the Weekend: Travelling into our Stories

"The more authentically we travel into our own lives and our own stories, the more we will lay claim to God's image deep within us. This is both the beginning point and the destination. The more deeply we immerse ourselves in the story of God, the more our lives are filled with the love of Christ . . . And the more we are available we are to God, the more available we are to truly love ourselves, one another and the world. This is my prayer for all of you . . . that you might 'comprehend, with all the saints, what is

the breadth 

and length 

and height 

and depth, 

and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, 
so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.' (Ephesians 3:18-19)."

~ Helen Cepero, 'Journaling as a Spiritual Practice'  [emphasis added]

*****

{Words for Wisdom for the Weekend: These are words that I have been challenged or encouraged by that I have read throughout my week that I kept pondering; words that I couldn't get off my mind and heart throughout my week. 

For other Words of Wisdom for the Weekend posts see here.}

When You Are Weary and You Must Keep Going

What do you do when you are bone weary and like an active volcano that is simmering deep below the surface that could erupt at any moment?

When signs of spring and new life seem slow to appear?

When you have heard hard words thrown at you from your own flesh and blood, but you know it is the truth spoken, and you deserve every hit?

When you sit down as the late afternoon sun beams through the back door and warms your back and the kids are jumping and laughing on the trampoline and you pull out your pen and journal and you cry out and your heart bleeds onto the pages and you admit that you are just a mess and feel like a failure and you really hate what you've become?

When you are empty and exhausted and broken and you have to keep going?

And then you see the fork in the road?

You need to keep on continuing, but you need to make a change at the same time.

There is a choice to make.

There is a fork in the road, and in life it really does make a difference which one you choose.

You can continue on this road mumbling or you can fight for joy.

But in fighting, you are really surrendering.

The fight has already been won, and you need to live the victorious life.

So . . . 

Stop complaining and choose joy.

Stop grumbling and delight in the goodness of the Lord God.

Stop following after your own heart and follow hard after God's heart.

Stop barely coping and boldly come to the throne of grace and commune with God. 


Stop trying to love others in your own strength and let God love through you.

O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness, That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, 

that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

~~~

My sister told me to listen to this song that night before I turned out my light.
I have been redeemed and I no longer need to fight this fight that has already been won and no, God is not done with me yet!

How about you? Do you need to shake off heavy chains?
And live in the victory ~  recognizing that it is a moment by moment dependence on Him?
And give God thanks that He has redeemed you?



{If you receive this in your inbox and would like to view this music video, click here.}

For Those Who are Not Qualified

What do you do when you are not qualified? When you aren't eloquent? When you are slow of speech and tongue? And, really, you'd like to stay in obscurity.

What do you do when you want someone else to do it and you say so by your actions. You walk in the opposite direction for several years because fear keeps it's tight grip around your throat and fingers?

When you plead, 'Lord, please! Send someone else.'

Oh, He will answer this plea.

In fact, He did so with Moses. He called Moses and Moses pleaded for someone else to take his place. So God did just as Moses asked. He doesn't really need us, He will accomplish His purposes without us.

But, what blessings did Moses miss? What an opportunity to prove God's greatness by surrendering his weakness and allowing God to use His mouth. God's anger burned against Moses although His steadfast love for him stayed constant. The Israelites were set free from Pharaoh's heavy hand. And God used his brother in His place.

Someone will be willing.

He doesn't need me, but by His grace He desires to use me for the furthering of His Kingdom.

I know fear was present when Moses pleaded with God, for God even reassured him that He would be with Him.

I know fear is present when God has called me to go out into all the world and make disciples. I know I look like a fool when I am vulnerable, 'But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong' and  He promised that He would be with me, always.

I don't have a message to deliver to a pharaoh, but I have a message that is to go into all the world that I am obligated to share. It is fear that keeps me wanting to stay in obscurity and pleads, 'Lord, Please! Send someone else.' As followers we have a message to make known and our own story to share.

But . . . 

I am not qualified. I am not eloquent. Someone else always does a better job. I am slow of speech and tongue. I'm too afraid and I'll look like a fool.

And yet, all God desires is that I say, 'Yes, Lord, send me, use me, take my weakness, empower me by your Spirit and use it for your glory.'

So I pray for faith to move forward, to look to the cross, to proclaim the gospel, and make disciples.


For isn't that the way of the follower?

"May the threefold Christian graces of faith, hope and love be more and more formed within me, until all my walk and conversation be such as becometh the gospel."

~J. Baillie

*****
Has this been true in your life?

Have you pleaded, "Lord, please! Send someone else?"

So, Who am I, Then?

That's it. 31 Days for 2012 ~ all but the four Sundays, that is. 

It was a great topic and a great book that is out of print, but is definitely beneficial to read if you are wanting to write and in doing so discover more about yourself.

The thing I have learned this month about this topic is that there is so much more I have to learn about writing and about myself. It was worth the effort to go through the discipline.

Last night I started a new book, 'A Circle of Quiet' by Madeleine L'Engle. A fantastic book (from what I have read so far) about the same kind of questions: Who am I? Why am I here? What am I doing with my life?

Maybe it has something to do with mothering. As I am trying to give direction to my children I find it is often a struggle as many times I am still trying to find out my own identity.

But, I do know that somehow wrestling through it is helpful for myself. Sharing it with others can be helpful for them. I realized that there is no point in doing this solely for myself because then I become completely self-absorbed. When we are completely self-absorbed we essentially have put ourselves at the center of the universe. Really, we need to attempt to discover who we are in such a way that takes the emphasis right off our own self so that we might be a blessing to others and bring glory to the Creator. 

L'Engle writes:

"I haven't defined a self, nor do I want to. A self is not something static, tied up in a pretty parcel and handed to the child, finished and complete. And self is always becoming. Being does mean becoming, but we run so fast that it is only when we seem to stop  - as sitting on the rock at the brook - that we are aware of our own isness, of being. But certainly this is not static, for this awareness of being is always a way of moving from the selfish self - the self-image - and towards the real.
Who am I, then? Who are you?"

I hope you have may have benefited from joining me on this journey this past month. What am amazing opportunity to know that is a process that we keep on getting to discover!

Engraved on the Palms of His Hands {Day 31}

So on I go not knowing;

  I would not if I might;

I'd rather walk in the dark with God

  Than go alone in the light;

I'd rather walk by faith with Him

  Than go alone by sight.

Mary G. Brainard

Noon. On a Friday. In a big hospital in the fifth largest city in North America.

The ladies on the front desk gather their purses and go out for lunch. The secretary for the surgeon takes us into a little exam room.

I have been waiting for this appointment for a week and a half. Fighting fears for what seemed longer than that. And seeking the One whose presence will rid any fear.  

Fear not, for I am with you.

I sit down on a blue vinyl chair beside the blue exam table. My husband sits in the matching chair. The tall blond secretary asks me, ‘So when do you think you would like to have the surgery.’ I stumble for words. I can’t seem to answer her question.

‘Well, when would you typically schedule it?’ It is the only thing I can come up with.

She tells me since I am young, that I would probably be booked for the middle of November. That would be enough time to get all the tests done that need to be done. And with a young family, I should be feeling better by Christmas.

*****

All morning I had been operating with a nervous energy.

But, with a strange sense of peace to hear whatever was to come.


My daughter had got up early to make breakfast for us ~ to send us off with a full tummy of brown sugar-sprinkled porridge served with buttered toast cut into triangles and fruit dipped in chocolate.

I left a note on the table for my children, reminding them as much as me, that this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.



Now we are left alone in the room with yellow walls. 

We wait almost an hour before the surgeon comes in. He has been studying my files.

He asks me about my symptoms.

I notice his hands. They are so clean and soft.

He tells me he does not believe that my heart is the only thing that is causing my symptoms. Because I have only one functioning lung and have always had shortness of breath he is not sure that doing surgery will really alleviate my symptoms.

He also tells us that it is not just my aortic valve that is narrow. There are actually a number of abnormalities due to the scarring from the treatment I received for cancer 33 years ago. He is not sure when these abnormalities happened, most likely not just recently and most likely not immediately after the cancer, but somewhere between the two.

He feels that the risks involved in open heart surgery far outweigh the benefits right now. Because of my past medical history I am at increased risk. He is one of three transplant surgeons in the city and he says it would be more complicated and more risky to do what would be needed to fix my heart than to do a transplant.

He assures us that there are others who have even more narrow valves and they are able to still carry on with their lives.

I wonder if I ever will be able to handle open heart surgery if it comes to that.

He admits that I am borderline ~ I may or may not be able to handle it on one lung.

An hour later we leave the hospital with a strange sense of relief.

I am glad that he has decided to not cut me open and take my heart into his hands.

I am thankful that my heart ~ my life ~ is in the tender care of the One who has engraved me on the palms of His hands.

The hands that took the nails to redeem me back to himself.

The hands that bid me to come and rest and abide in Him.

The hands that have written my name in His book.

The hands that hold me and will not let me go.

My sister shared these words with me months ago: ‘Look to Christ in all things and make beautiful of what is broken, making much of Him who has purchased you with His blood and given you an everlasting heart.’

I don’t know the end of my story here.

I don’t know how to cope some days with a young family.

I don’t know what the next doctor may report to me. What my next appointment may result in.

I do know God has a purpose.

I do know that God is my comfort.

I do know that He is with me even in the dark places. Where His amazing grace may relieve my fears.

And I will give thee the treasures of darkness,

and hidden riches of secret places,

that thou mayest know that I, the LORD,

which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel.

(Isa 45:3)

For I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me.

So we go on with a sense of peace. A joy in His presence. Choosing to see the mercies that are new every morning. Believing that He is transforming me into His likeness. Even when I am short of breath, I am thankful for the breath that is in me, the spirit of God in my nostrils. 

And know that we live the story He has written for us

and it is all for His glory.

This is Day 31 in a series of, linking up with Nester, for the month of October. Thank you for joining me for this month and coming along with me as we discovered truths about ourselves and our Creator.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.