When the Knife of the Heavenly Surgeon Cuts Deep

To listen to the audio,

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There is a brown box stuffed on my bookshelf in the basement that holds squares of paper with words of hope inscribed on them. Three years ago this month, one blistering Sunday afternoon, friends and family gathered together to remember the hope we have in Jesus Christ and to cry out to God for the will of the Lord to be accomplished in my heart.

We prayed that we would decrease and that He would increase. We prayed for God’s glory to be revealed in my body in whatever he had purposed for me.

This box was neatly tied up with a pretty white bow and given to me that day. Four days later, the day before my surgeon cut into my heart, I sat on the edge of a hospital bed and loosened the bow. In the box was a collection of verses that had been lovingly hand-written on blue and white cardstock for me. They were balm for my soul.

They were words of truth that I had to unpack. They spoke of the hope that does not disappoint. I clung to hope like the anchor it is when the storm is raging and the night is dark. 

On one card these words, spoken by David after he was rescued from the hand of Saul, and recorded for us in Psalm 18, were scrawled:

“The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.”

In times of distress, upheaval, turmoil, pain and suffering the Psalmist knew where to go. David knew His God was His refuge and His redeemer.



Even as torrents of destruction charged at him and cords of death confronted him, he knew to whom he could run. David called upon the Lord. He cried out to God for help. And without a doubt he knew his cry had reached the ears of the Lord.

David knew he could trust in God because He knew something of the majesty, the holiness, the justice, the mercy, the loving-kindness, the faithfulness, and the immutability of God.

And in seeing who God is, he gained a right perspective on his situation and on his own self.

On another card in my box, someone else had gracefully copied four more verses from the same Psalm:

“For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God—his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?”

David, the Psalmist, again reminded himself of what he knew to be true about God and acted upon it. He held on to the faithfulness of God. He fixed his focus on the God who is faithful to do exactly as He has promised.

When times are turbulent and trials rise up, look to God and His attributes.

Three years ago, as I laid myself down on the operating table the cords of death confronted me. As I woke up from open-heart surgery, torrents of distress assaulted me. My heart had been broken. But, God was near.

Charles Spurgeon wrote:

“The God of providence has limited the time, manner, intensity, repetition, and effects of all our sicknesses; each throb is decreed, each sleepless hour predestinated, each relapse ordained, each depression of spirit foreknown, and each sanctifying result eternally purposed. Nothing great or small escapes the ordaining hand of him who numbers the hairs of our head . . . The knife of the heavenly Surgeon never cuts deeper than is absolutely necessary.”

Three years ago, I walked through the valley and narrowly escaped death. I walked through upheaval and God set it right. I walked in weakness and God gave strength. I walked through confusion and God brought comfort. I walked through loneliness and God was near. I walked through depression and God heard my cry. I walked through fear and God was with me.

“The knife of the heavenly Surgeon never cuts deeper than is absolutely necessary.”

 

This summer, I rode up the side of a mountain in a gondola and climbed up to its peak. I sat there on the mountain, with an elevation of nearly 8000 feet, and was immensely aware of my smallness and in awe of the majesty of God.

At that point I could say with David,

“He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.”

God had brought me from a low, low point and had raised me up to see more of His glory.



I knew that day that you can't stay on top of the mountain, but the overwhelming grandeur of God's power and majesty leaves you wanting more. More of God, more of His beauty and mercy and grace.

We came down the mountain singing “Amazing Grace” . . . “I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.”

God's grace leads us up the mountain and back down into the valley where we look up and remember where our strength comes from.

It is the joy of the Lord that is our strength. It is the soul that sings with David at the beginning of this Psalm, “I love you, O Lord, my strength” that will also say, “ . . . I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations, and sing to your name.”

Yes, there will be valleys to walk through. There will be trials to face and floods of wickedness will surround us. But, God’s glory shines bright in our dark days. 

There is life to be lived, lessons to be learned, strength to be gained, grace to be received, and glory to be revealed.

And, we will go on our way rejoicing in Him and His goodness for all of our days because He is our Redeemer, our Strength, our Rock and our Shield.

This truth can’t just be boxed in with pretty white bows. It has to be unpacked. It has to be lived out.

When you realize the truth about God and take refuge in Him, when He is your quiet resting place, when you hold on to the faithfulness of God, when you take what you know about God and apply what you know, then your faith is strengthened and God is glorified.

Run Well While the World Rages On

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Fixed with determination, she placed her feet firm at the start line along side seven and eight year old girls. As the siren blew, she sprang forward with the participants, hustling for position. 

By the first bend, her form and the look on her face were fierce. She charged ahead like a warrior. She fell into a steady pace, but then was set back in the transition station as she entered the cycling portion of the duathlon. She bent lower into the wind and embraced the challenge. It was as if she didn’t let the hindrance weigh her down. She pushed on toward the goal and with resolve she would reach the prize. 

After she dismounted from her bike, she began the last, but most difficult leg of the race. She set her eyes on the finish line and with sheer grit she reached forward.

All along the sidelines spectators cheered on the athletes. The goal for every child was to finish the race well. As every runner crossed the finish line, a medallion was slipped over his or her head and shouts of ‘well done’ rang out.

Our community had come together for our annual dualthlon and encouraged active participation and a strong finish.

As the sun warmed up the crisp morning, there were false starts and strong finishes. Weary bodies rose up and soared to the end. Nervous energy and tears of exhaustion were exchanged for courageous endurance and cries of victory.

While the athletes cooled down they were handed nourishment and parents snapped photos, stole hugs and planted kisses on flushed faces.

The whole day was filled with contagious enthusiasm and at the heart of the event was the essence of community. Working together to offer encouragement to those around us to press on to finish strong.





There are many things to hinder us in this race of life. We can be so easily weighed down and entangled.

When we take our eyes off the prize, we lose our footing. That is why we are told in the book of Hebrews to fix our eyes on Jesus. He is the founding leader and the finisher of our faith. He has pioneered and perfected the life of faith. He is the champion who rejoices to run his course to bring us back to God.

This world is aching and groaning. The horrific killings , devastating atrocities, the apparent lack of justice, the wickedness that makes our hearts heave in our chests.

We are called to run this race with perseverance. And the only way to do that is to look to Jesus. The One who with joy set before Him endured the cross. The greatest atrocity that has ever taken place or ever will was when Jesus died bearing the sin of the world. It is also where the greatest victory was won. The head of the enemy was crushed; wickedness will not reign forever.

The Psalmist sang: “The heavens declare the glory of God” (Psalm 19:1) and yet mankind has stubbornly turned from God. And as Paul penned in the opening of his letter to the Romans: they have “exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.” (Romans 1:23)

They have “exchanged the truth about God for a lie.” (Romans 1:25) Paul continued: “And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done.” (Romans 1:28)

Paul made it clear to the Roman Christians that we:

“ . . . all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.” (Romans 3:23-25)

We do not run this race apart from the grace of God.





Yes, we need to run with endurance. And, we need to fix our gaze on the glory of God and proclaim His name.

The Bride of Christ does not need to wonder if God is good, she gets to be in awe of His abounding goodness.

The Body of Christ needs to speak out that Peace only comes in the Person of Jesus Christ. And it is the peacemakers who “shall be called the children of God”. (Matthew 5:9)

The Church needs to rise up, to suffer for doing good, to spur one another on to fight the good fight of faith, to speak the truth in love, to press on to the end, to reach forward for the prize of knowing Christ.

The Church does not need to prove God exists, but she gets to pour out God’s love because “He abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” (1 John 4:12)

The Church needs to be exhorted with the message:

“ . . . that [we] have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another . . . By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” (1 John 3:11, 16-18)

The Church should be the first to show up with love in our hearts, truth on our lips, and arms full of compassion, reaching out with kindness in one hand and care in the other for both the body and the soul.



Let us run onward with perseverance. Let us endure like the witnesses who have gone before us full of faith, and with fierce determination, but driven forward because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts.

We have a race to run. Let us cross the finish line strong with our eyes fixed on Jesus and our hearts full of adoration for Him.

What Motherhood Has Taught Me: When You Doubt There is any Purpose to all Your Pain

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You may call it crazy. I prefer to call it curious.

While anticipating the birth of my firstborn I was eager to fully know what it would be like to deliver the baby who had been formed in my womb. I was determined I would not dull the pain with medication during the blessed, rip-roaring event. I wanted a natural childbirth as far as I was able. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. And, besides, I have a strong aversion to needles. I’ll take a bit of pain over a poke.

But, here's the curious thing: I wanted to feel the pain of childbirth. I preferred to go through the whole labour and deliver and experience the excruciating pain and the exhilarating joy.

So, yeah, I guess you could say ‘crazy’.

Maybe the stranger thing is when I was in the family way for the second time, and I was fully aware of the pain that was ahead of me, but I was curious to know if it would be as intense as the first time round.

And by the time I was expecting my third child, you would think I would not need to wonder any longer, but my curiosity got the better of me. For the third time, I accepted the multiplied pain of childbearing that God spoke of to Eve back in the Garden of Eden.

I consider that bearing and bringing forth a child is a privilege and a blessing. Without any pain management medication, I breathed resolutely through clenched teeth and grasped the sheer strength and endurance needed to bring forth life.

It really was an exhilarating kind of pain. It's true when they say you somehow forget the pain in those first moments when you embrace the invigorating joy of seven pounds of new life placed in your arms.





It’s also true: we are often fearful of pain and suffering. If we can avoid it, we will. And I'm not talking about the punishment of pain in childbirth, but all suffering we endure for the sake of Christ.

What does it look like to embrace suffering for the sake of Christ?

I've always been struck with Paul's longing that he expressed in his letter he penned while suffering in prison.

"that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

His goal and aim in life was to know Christ in an intimate and personal relationship. The great apostle knew that to know the power of new life, he would have to taste suffering and become like Christ in His death.

Paul knew it's the one who suffers much that experiences the all-sufficient grace of God.





In suffering we will experience the exhilarating joy of God's power at work in us.

In the storms of life we will see the lighthouse that stands firm.

In pain our purpose is made clear.

A life without suffering lacks the need to look unto Jesus, the One "who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame" and was raised to heights of Glory at the right hand of the throne of God.

Resist suffering and you resist seeing God's powerful hand at work in your life.

Gratefully accept the thorns, the tremulous times, the troubles, and trials and God's power will rest upon those who gladly boast in their weakness.

Suffer for Christ’s sake and you will know a Power that brings forth new life.

This suffering brings us low. It hurts our self-glorification. The thorns press in and sting, but that is when God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

In our weaknesses, the power of Christ rests upon us.





Oh, we're not just talking about crazy or curious speculations in life, but the whole purpose of suffering in your life.

“The sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Paul said. The one who was shown he was chosen to suffer greatly for the sake of Christ. He was the one who learned to be content in whatever circumstance He was in.

It was Paul who said, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Dare I say, 'bring on the pain'?

The New Year Dawns Bright ~ And My One Word for Sweet '16 {2016}

"Seek the LORD and his strength;

seek his presence continually!"

{Psalm 105:4}

We had a green Christmas, but the new year dawned with a fresh covering of white in our world. The year ended with a silent night and we woke to sweet '16 full of promise, expectancy, hope. Many of us are ready for a fresh start.

I spent the last few days working on an old, tired credenza that I picked up at the local second hand store, 'Alliston's Attic', years ago with every intention to refinish it. It sat in its worn, original state in our front hall and was a useful piece of furniture, but not at all pleasant on the eyes. 

Last winter, I could also call it the Long Winter, I spent much time recovering from open-heart surgery surrounded by dark, depressing brown walls in the living room and I longed to be able to get rid of all the dark and depressing and let the light in.

So, as the year was getting tucked in for its final days, we drove down to the paint store to get some paint to make things brighter and, simply, whiter. And right there in the store was a display for Cottage Paint—no sanding, no dust, just brush on the paint and 'antique' your boring furniture. I grabbed a quart of 'cloudy white', some matte sealer, a new brush and was all set to begin the project that had been waiting for me for as long as I had been it's rightful owner.

We've covered all the dark and now the bright light pours in and simply reflects off all the white, like the sunlight on the freshly fallen snow. The light always shines brighter and overcomes the dark.

This new year, 2016, is pregnant with good intentions, plans, purposes. There's no better time than the start of a new year to dream up resolutions, goals, and commitments. Except, I've never really been good at keeping New Year's Resolutions and found something that works better for me—naming my year with 'One Word'.

Jon named it, 'Endurance', for me last year. The year before that, the year Dr. David agreed to take my broken, hardened, calcified heart and restore it as best he could, the year I clung ever so dear to the precious truth that God is with me, my One Word, was 'With'.

It's been a handful of years now that I've been naming naming them and this year the One Word seemed obvious.

As we painted away for a few days—my husband and daughter working on the dark walls, me on the dungy wood cabinet—we had hours of sharing things burdening our hearts and on our minds. When I mentioned to Jon that I was thinking about what I might name the coming year, he told me what he thought it should be and it was exactly what I had been mulling over.

Strength.

He reminded me the doctors told me that my recovery was going to be at least two years and the second year was going to be one for gaining strength.

Last year brought us so far along and this year I'm looking ahead with so much more excitement of what is to come.

As I look back at the wonderful deeds of the Lord, I am anticipating that God, in His faithfulness, sovereignty, love and wisdom, will do many great things this coming year.

I am trusting that as I seek Him more He will increase my faith and strengthen me.

Here is another exciting thing: this is the year I turn 40!

Many dread that year, but when you have lived through childhood cancer, lifelong health struggles, multiple surgeries, and face severe heart failure in your late 30's and undergo high-risk open-heart surgery and 'beat the odds' many times over, turning 40 is a time to give thanks to God and celebrate!

Each of our days are numbered and each one we have here we need to surrender to the Lord, trusting in Him in the days of adversity and in the days of ease and in all the days in between. Look at the birds of the air—the ravens, the sparrows, the bold cardinals, the little dark-eyed juncos that flit about—even these your heavenly Father feeds them and not one falls to the ground without Him knowing. 

It would be great to say that I have been fully healed, but that simply is not the case. I will always face difficult health struggles and not one persons knows what lies ahead.

When I look ahead this year, fear is not my constant companion, but weakness is. I have improved greatly, but when I wonder about what might be in store, I know that I can not accomplish anything on my own. 

I also know that my strength will come from the power of God, through seeking Him in His Word and in prayer.

For now, I can laugh at the days to come, eagerly anticipating God to work all things out for His glory. 

You only turn 40 once and I hope to be purposeful in living this year out as full as possible, strengthen by the Lord. I've been thinking about 40 things, a bucket list of sorts, to accomplish before I turn 40: My 40 Things Before 40.

There are some small as well as some pretty major things I am dreaming up and scratching down that may or may not come to fruition . . . memorize 40 Bible verses, read at least one book a month, refinish a piece of furniture, read through the Bible, share what God has done/is doing in my heart/life, review a book, paint a picture, pray for 40 people who don't know the Lord, see the ocean, make a family photo book, hike, blog at least 5 times a month, take a pottery wheel class, pray with others more consistently, work through a photography book, get-away with my sisters, write…

And I can dream up a plan, and purpose to make it happen, but it is in God's will and purpose that I ultimately place my trust. 

In my weakness, I look forward to seeing how God will strengthen me. Like Paul, who called himself the least of all the Apostles, God's grace is sufficient for me for his power is made perfect in my weakness.

His grace falls down, grace upon grace, covering me, always a fresh start, and His mercy is new every morning.

Let us sit in the silence, the stillness of a new year, wait on the Lord, earnestly seek God, surrender all our weakness, rebellion, anxiety and He will grant us His power and be our strength.

Oh, it is not only a mere covering that is here today and gone tomorrow or an outward display of morals, good intentions and our abilities that we are in desperate need of this year but that Christ may dwell in our hearts and that we could know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge and be filled with all the fullness of God.

Seek the Lord and His strength this new year. Seek His presence continually. There is your hope, your joy, your strength.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 

that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 

and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, 

that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." 

{Ephesians 3:14-19}

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, 

according to the power at work within us, 

to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, 

forever and ever. Amen." 

{Ephesians 3:20-21}

{PDF free printable for anyone else turning 40!!!}

The Way to Look Forward Into A New Year {and a Brief Picture Recap of 2015}

The sun is setting on this year. In a few short hours it will all be mere memories and stuff that history is made from. It has been a hard year for so many around the globe and it is sobering to realize that there are many who have suffered so much more than I could ever imagine.

I sit in the silence now in the last few hours of 2015.

By God's grace alone, we made it! He brought us all through this past year.

As this past year began and I was trying to think of what my one word would be I asked for a suggestion from Jon. He nailed it and ended up naming it for me: Endurance.

Sometimes you look out at what is ahead and wonder how you will ever make it through. 

I was weak, lost in a world of recovery, anxiety, loneliness. It was a dark, dark place.

I really wasn't sure how my body could keep on in all its frailty. Time is what they all told me; it takes time to heal. But, when your days drag on and your body is weak, time can feel like a curse and you end up having too much time to let your mind wander and your anxiety mount.

So, really with time, the greater thing is trust. 

Every step forward was all part of this journey in trusting God. 

I believed my way forward was looking away unto Jesus. Focusing on my dark, hard place would only lead me further down. Looking unto Jesus, the Author and Perfector of my faith, the One who is sovereign over all, enabled me to take one small step at a time. 

I purposed to get outside in the great outdoors every single day to help me physically and emotionally. I relied on others to pray for me and was blessed with care, support and love from family and friends.

There were a few set backs as well as some huge milestones that we celebrated. Some days now my small steps look more like bigger leaps. 

I am actually looking forward to this next year and all that God has planned for coming year.

I took a quick glance back over the year and give God praise that we are once again moving forward and eagerly expecting God to faithfully do all that He has purposed for us. 

The terrain will be different, there will still always be hard and dark and difficult times where the Light will shine brightest, but the way ahead is always to trust in the God who does all things for His glory and the good of His people. 

Whatever lies ahead for you this next year, time is precious, but trusting God, that in His wisdom, love and sovereignty He will faithfully lead you on, is the only way forward.