When the Knife of the Heavenly Surgeon Cuts Deep

To listen to the audio,

find the podcast here at HopeStreamRadio.

There is a brown box stuffed on my bookshelf in the basement that holds squares of paper with words of hope inscribed on them. Three years ago this month, one blistering Sunday afternoon, friends and family gathered together to remember the hope we have in Jesus Christ and to cry out to God for the will of the Lord to be accomplished in my heart.

We prayed that we would decrease and that He would increase. We prayed for God’s glory to be revealed in my body in whatever he had purposed for me.

This box was neatly tied up with a pretty white bow and given to me that day. Four days later, the day before my surgeon cut into my heart, I sat on the edge of a hospital bed and loosened the bow. In the box was a collection of verses that had been lovingly hand-written on blue and white cardstock for me. They were balm for my soul.

They were words of truth that I had to unpack. They spoke of the hope that does not disappoint. I clung to hope like the anchor it is when the storm is raging and the night is dark. 

On one card these words, spoken by David after he was rescued from the hand of Saul, and recorded for us in Psalm 18, were scrawled:

“The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.”

In times of distress, upheaval, turmoil, pain and suffering the Psalmist knew where to go. David knew His God was His refuge and His redeemer.



Even as torrents of destruction charged at him and cords of death confronted him, he knew to whom he could run. David called upon the Lord. He cried out to God for help. And without a doubt he knew his cry had reached the ears of the Lord.

David knew he could trust in God because He knew something of the majesty, the holiness, the justice, the mercy, the loving-kindness, the faithfulness, and the immutability of God.

And in seeing who God is, he gained a right perspective on his situation and on his own self.

On another card in my box, someone else had gracefully copied four more verses from the same Psalm:

“For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God—his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?”

David, the Psalmist, again reminded himself of what he knew to be true about God and acted upon it. He held on to the faithfulness of God. He fixed his focus on the God who is faithful to do exactly as He has promised.

When times are turbulent and trials rise up, look to God and His attributes.

Three years ago, as I laid myself down on the operating table the cords of death confronted me. As I woke up from open-heart surgery, torrents of distress assaulted me. My heart had been broken. But, God was near.

Charles Spurgeon wrote:

“The God of providence has limited the time, manner, intensity, repetition, and effects of all our sicknesses; each throb is decreed, each sleepless hour predestinated, each relapse ordained, each depression of spirit foreknown, and each sanctifying result eternally purposed. Nothing great or small escapes the ordaining hand of him who numbers the hairs of our head . . . The knife of the heavenly Surgeon never cuts deeper than is absolutely necessary.”

Three years ago, I walked through the valley and narrowly escaped death. I walked through upheaval and God set it right. I walked in weakness and God gave strength. I walked through confusion and God brought comfort. I walked through loneliness and God was near. I walked through depression and God heard my cry. I walked through fear and God was with me.

“The knife of the heavenly Surgeon never cuts deeper than is absolutely necessary.”

 

This summer, I rode up the side of a mountain in a gondola and climbed up to its peak. I sat there on the mountain, with an elevation of nearly 8000 feet, and was immensely aware of my smallness and in awe of the majesty of God.

At that point I could say with David,

“He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.”

God had brought me from a low, low point and had raised me up to see more of His glory.



I knew that day that you can't stay on top of the mountain, but the overwhelming grandeur of God's power and majesty leaves you wanting more. More of God, more of His beauty and mercy and grace.

We came down the mountain singing “Amazing Grace” . . . “I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.”

God's grace leads us up the mountain and back down into the valley where we look up and remember where our strength comes from.

It is the joy of the Lord that is our strength. It is the soul that sings with David at the beginning of this Psalm, “I love you, O Lord, my strength” that will also say, “ . . . I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations, and sing to your name.”

Yes, there will be valleys to walk through. There will be trials to face and floods of wickedness will surround us. But, God’s glory shines bright in our dark days. 

There is life to be lived, lessons to be learned, strength to be gained, grace to be received, and glory to be revealed.

And, we will go on our way rejoicing in Him and His goodness for all of our days because He is our Redeemer, our Strength, our Rock and our Shield.

This truth can’t just be boxed in with pretty white bows. It has to be unpacked. It has to be lived out.

When you realize the truth about God and take refuge in Him, when He is your quiet resting place, when you hold on to the faithfulness of God, when you take what you know about God and apply what you know, then your faith is strengthened and God is glorified.

What Motherhood Has Taught Me: When You Doubt There is any Purpose to all Your Pain

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join us here at HopeStream Radio.}

You may call it crazy. I prefer to call it curious.

While anticipating the birth of my firstborn I was eager to fully know what it would be like to deliver the baby who had been formed in my womb. I was determined I would not dull the pain with medication during the blessed, rip-roaring event. I wanted a natural childbirth as far as I was able. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. And, besides, I have a strong aversion to needles. I’ll take a bit of pain over a poke.

But, here's the curious thing: I wanted to feel the pain of childbirth. I preferred to go through the whole labour and deliver and experience the excruciating pain and the exhilarating joy.

So, yeah, I guess you could say ‘crazy’.

Maybe the stranger thing is when I was in the family way for the second time, and I was fully aware of the pain that was ahead of me, but I was curious to know if it would be as intense as the first time round.

And by the time I was expecting my third child, you would think I would not need to wonder any longer, but my curiosity got the better of me. For the third time, I accepted the multiplied pain of childbearing that God spoke of to Eve back in the Garden of Eden.

I consider that bearing and bringing forth a child is a privilege and a blessing. Without any pain management medication, I breathed resolutely through clenched teeth and grasped the sheer strength and endurance needed to bring forth life.

It really was an exhilarating kind of pain. It's true when they say you somehow forget the pain in those first moments when you embrace the invigorating joy of seven pounds of new life placed in your arms.





It’s also true: we are often fearful of pain and suffering. If we can avoid it, we will. And I'm not talking about the punishment of pain in childbirth, but all suffering we endure for the sake of Christ.

What does it look like to embrace suffering for the sake of Christ?

I've always been struck with Paul's longing that he expressed in his letter he penned while suffering in prison.

"that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

His goal and aim in life was to know Christ in an intimate and personal relationship. The great apostle knew that to know the power of new life, he would have to taste suffering and become like Christ in His death.

Paul knew it's the one who suffers much that experiences the all-sufficient grace of God.





In suffering we will experience the exhilarating joy of God's power at work in us.

In the storms of life we will see the lighthouse that stands firm.

In pain our purpose is made clear.

A life without suffering lacks the need to look unto Jesus, the One "who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame" and was raised to heights of Glory at the right hand of the throne of God.

Resist suffering and you resist seeing God's powerful hand at work in your life.

Gratefully accept the thorns, the tremulous times, the troubles, and trials and God's power will rest upon those who gladly boast in their weakness.

Suffer for Christ’s sake and you will know a Power that brings forth new life.

This suffering brings us low. It hurts our self-glorification. The thorns press in and sting, but that is when God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

In our weaknesses, the power of Christ rests upon us.





Oh, we're not just talking about crazy or curious speculations in life, but the whole purpose of suffering in your life.

“The sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Paul said. The one who was shown he was chosen to suffer greatly for the sake of Christ. He was the one who learned to be content in whatever circumstance He was in.

It was Paul who said, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Dare I say, 'bring on the pain'?

Rest in God's Faithfulness {One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak #HeartMonth.}

{To read Part 1, the beginning of the series:

"A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart Was Weak"

click here first.}

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

I scrawled these words on scrap paper, underlined them, emphasized them by pointing to them with the tip of my pencil over and over when I woke up with a breathing tube down my throat and waited for the doctors to decide what the next best medical procedure would be for me.

You can't talk with a breathing tube stuck in your throat, but when you are awake with a tube that goes in through your mouth and down into your trachea helping you breath you still need to communicate, so the nurses handed me a clipboard and told me to write down my concerns, questions, needs. My doctors interpreted these scribblings and reported as though I was suicidal.

I was at the point that I had no fight left in me. I was more than ready to die.

I cried out in my heart for God to take me to be with Him. I was at the lowest I had ever been and the dark waters threatened to swallow me.

I truly wanted to be with Christ.

Jon would remind me that God still had work for me to do here.

I could identify with these words Paul penned from a prison in the first century to believers in Christ in Philippi:

"I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again."

Sometimes the burden we are carrying, the suffering we are enduring is so great, we are desperate to escape it and be with Jesus. God is faithful to strengthen us and sustain us in His power that we might carry on and learn in whatever situation we are in to be content and to endure it and rejoice in our sufferings and bring comfort to others that God's name would be glorified.

It was decided the only medical option was to perform a tracheostomy (an opening surgically created through the neck into the trachea to allow direct access to the breathing tube.) But, there were risks involved with this and it would make a long road of recovery even longer.

The elders of our church came to pray. They stood around my bed and I motioned to them that I desired to depart and to be with my Lord. They put drops of oil on my forehead and prayed for God's will to be done in my life, my heart, and body.

The next day, a whole new team of doctors that Dr. David selected for my complicated medical needs, skillfully inserted a tube right into my trachea. 

At the same time, a Christian doctor chatted with Jon and recommended that I be taken off all anxiety and sleeping medications. I had never been on these medications before and he believed that they were not aiding in my recovery, but rather, in some ways were hindering it and suggested we completely surrender this to God. After three weeks of battling with these medications, they were all removed—cold turkey.

A whole new battle was about to begin.

But, God is faithful and His goodness and mercy follows us all the days of our lives. 

Even in your darkest days, in your deepest suffering, never believe that you are all alone.

At the end of a long day, on September 20th, Jon shared his concerns and confidence in the God who is ever faithful:

"It's day to day."  

"We'll see how you continue to do."

"We're watching your numbers."

"We want to get you home."

This is how [the medical staff] answer when Rebekah writes on her clipboard: 

"How much longer?"

Sometimes, focussing on that word "longer" can cause discouragement or create a sense that we are not getting anywhere fast. But isn't that what we want from God usually?—Something fast!

Earlier this week I held her hand as they injected the milky sleeping medication into the lines. All I had time to say to her was—God is still in control. She was relaxed and sleeping within seconds.

Now that is fast. But, that is medicine and technology.

Rebekah had the breathing tube put back in and she was heavily sedated for a couple of days while X-rays, echoes, ultrasounds, scopes, and monitoring happened.

During that time, I took the opportunity to get out of town and go be with my kids and spend some quality time with them and just encourage them and hug them. They have been well provided for over these weeks. Such a blessing!

Coming back to Toronto, I heard that all the tests were encouraging and coming back clear. This is wonderful yet baffling at times. Shouldn't this mean that recovery be happening FASTER? 

Chatting again with Dr. David a couple days ago, he is encouraged with Rebekah's overall progress but remains certain that this journey will not be quick. It will take time—patience—and rest. But we WILL get there.

Another test yesterday to ween her off the ventilator machine slowly and watch her lung compensate looked encouraging, but not enough quite yet to fully maintain on its own. 

Her lung, which was already compromised pre-op, has struggled post-op and this is where BiPAP and now the ventilator have been used to help as her lung slowly gains strength and opens more so she can get deeper breaths again. This is the big prayer focus right now: that her lung will fully expand and that she will be able to breathe well enough to keep her CO2 from rising on its own to unsafe levels.  

To assist with this, Rebekah had another procedure today. She was put back to sleep again and received a tracheostomy in her throat. This gives the doctors more flexibility in treating Rebekah with on and off assistance with the ventilator and the ability for her to move around and do some more exercises.

All of this could very well add another month to our overall stay here but I come back to this knowledge that God is not just about—FAST. He is all about faithfulness, about sustaining us through the long days and weeks and going the distance with us. 

I retreat to sleep for another night with this promise on my thoughts: 

"Be strong and of good courage, fear not, nor be afraid,

for the LORD, your God, HE it is, that goes with you,

He will not fail you nor forsake you!

 (Deut. 31:6) 

What a place to rest!

-Jon

~.~.~.~.~.

This is part 11 of the series:

One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak

{for #HeartMonth.}

You can read Part 1, the beginning of the series here.

Read Part 12 here.

To receive these updates in an email subscribe to A Soft Gentle Voice. 

God Sustains the Weak and Weary {One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak #HeartMonth}

{To read Part 1, the beginning of the series:

"A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart Was Weak"

click here first.}

The path we were on was completely unmarked for us. But, it was not unknown to God.

Eighteen days past surgery, September 16th, with all the dips and turns in this valley we were going through, we continued to trust that God was sovereignly in control and was holding my life in His hands and would sustain us through this time of darkness.

Jon cried out to God and shared these words as I was put back to sleep and re-intubated:

I need to go for a long walk here and process lots. I will have more answers around 4:00 or 5:00 this afternoon. 

A collaborated doctor decision to move forward proactively and really take necessary steps to improve Rebekah's condition quicker and break this endless cycle that will not fully happen by managing with BiPAP machine for days or weeks has been approved and is underway now. 

TPN was something they were going to try later today to feed with nourishment through IV and wait to see if she regained enough strength to work harder at breathing and physio program. Her oxygen levels are fine but weakness due to lack of food because of BiPAP risks and being too sleepy with rising CO2 gasses has her unable to get the deep breaths she needs to strengthen and really naturally keep her gas levels down.

Around noon today Rebekah has been put back to sleep with the breathing tube. They can also get food to her stomach and not worry about IV intervention with TPN. Watching her fall asleep was difficult and I have to have to go and just talk this one out with God.

The doctors now can do the scheduled cat scan of her chest at 2:00 and also do a scope on her lung to assess it much more accurately. An echo was done this morning of her heart. An ultrasound of her lung was done too. The ultrasound revealed no fluid buildup so the  scope is necessary to know what is going on for sure. The cat scan will reveal if there is any infection and if so they can grow a culture and provide the best antibiotic to clear that up. If there are parts of the lung that have decreased in function since the operation they can treat that also much better to help wake them up. 

Rebekah may be sleeping for the next couple of days. Not fully sure on that yet. This will certainly prolong our stay here but the way it was wasn't going anywhere either.

She is relaxed and I was able to comfort and reassure her of God's power and His control over all of this even though this time in the valley is long, hard, and full of uncertainty.

I'm okay with watching my tears fall 23 floors from my balcony at the hotel down onto Gerrard St. because as I battle to give up my worry and release my anxiousness I know God will supply my every need and I will cling to and claim His promise to sustain me. 

When Elijah was ready to give up and go no further, God sent the ravens to nourish him and keep him going. Our God has not changed!

- Jon

~.~.~.~.~.

This is part 10 of the series:

One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak

{for #HeartMonth.}

You can read Part 1, the beginning of the series here.

Read Part 11 here.

To receive these updates in an email subscribe to A Soft Gentle Voice. 

When Your Mind is Muddled {One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak #HeartMonth}

{To read Part 1, the beginning of the series:

"A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart Was Weak"

click here first.}

These were days that I did not know how to pray.

My mind was muddled, my words slow, my thoughts bewildered. I knew God was with me and that others were praying to a God who hears.

I had Christian nurses who cared for me throughout this time and would pray with me. It was during this time when I could not form my own thoughts that God brought to my mind words of Scripture that I had memorized throughout my life and I could pray God's Words, God's thoughts about God to the God who has made Himself known.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.

For we do not know what to pray for as we ought,

but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words.

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit,

because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,

for those who are called according to his purpose."

{Romans 8:26-28}

Don't ever underestimate the power of hiding God's Word in your heart.

God's Word will be a comfort to you in times when very little else in life is comforting. Even when your own mind is failing, to have God's Word hidden in your heart, in your mind, will bring you a peace and anchor your soul in times of torment and distress.

"The LORD is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake."

{Psalm 23:1-3}

During this perplexing time, on September 15th, Jon shared this simple update:

Rebekah's current condition remains in a cycle pattern of lower CO2 which makes her more awake but still a bit confused about her prolonged stay here.

Then the gases rise and make her drowsy to a point where they have to lower them with the bipap machine.

Tomorrow they will do a 3D cat scan of her lung to see what it looks like. I spoke with a doctor inquiring more about her lung function. She had 33% lung capacity before operation. She has maintained this for years. Since the operation her capacity has slightly decreased—not sure by how much till they can do another pulmonary function test to compare with test from pre-op. They know there could be a bit of fluid still on board in her lung making it harder for it to expand. They want to clear the lung and encourage it to reopen to it's pre-op capacity. Bipap helps expand the lung to help her breath deeper. Her shallow breaths off the machine aren't enough along with little activity and energy to expel the CO2 from her body at the rate we all do. They gave a bit of medicine through the BiPAP mask today to help open and expand the lung further. 

Increased Lasix medication through IV works to drain fluids more from her body regularly. Rebekah hates the BiPAP machine, but it is what is best to help her at this time. If that stops working for her then re-intubation will be a strong consideration which will prolong our stay here further and take us back a few steps. Pray with us that these current methods will work for her and we will move on from this cycle we are in day after day right now. In ICU it is easy for a prolonged stay to cause discouragement. 

Rebekah is struggling to feel that she is getting better. It's easy to lose the greater perspective in that environment. Rebekah has a Christian nurse tonight who is speaking encouragement and God's truth to her as she helps her with over the top sensitivity and care.

We trust God will move in powerful ways that will amaze even the brilliant minds here who continue to care for her night and day.

-Jon

~.~.~.~.~.

This is part 9 of the series:

One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak

{for #HeartMonth.}

You can read Part 1, the beginning of the series here.

Read Part 10 here.

To receive these updates in an email subscribe to A Soft Gentle Voice. 

Grace That is Greater {One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak—for #HeartMonth.}

{To read Part 1, the beginning of the series:

"A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart Was Weak"

click here first.}

Typically a patient who has had open-heart surgery is in cardiovascular ICU for a day or two and then transferred to the cardiovascular surgery unit for 3-4 days and then discharged home. A week after surgery I was still in ICU and although the doctors and nurses assured us they were seeing progress they were concerned that I was not stable enough to be transferred.

By this point, all the medication, ICU psychosis, and elevated CO2 was not only causing me to see things, I was also constantly "hearing" music. I begged and begged Jon to turn the music off, but he assured me there was no music playing. As clearly as I could, I explained to him how to turn it off on my computer as I believed that was from where it was coming. He insisted my laptop was not in the room. I mentally tried to stop the music, but it just kept blaring.

Jon slipped out to the hotel to get a few hours sleep while my Dad stayed by my side.

In the wee hours of the night, I could not handle the confusion and confinement any longer and started screaming, in my weak and feeble state: I just want out of here! I accused my nurse and the rest of the staff that had rushed into my room—to check on the crazy lady, I'm sure—that they were all trying to kill me and that I hated them all and that I wanted to go home. My nurse persuaded me to calm down.

I finally broke and my Dad encouraged me to allow the tears that I had been holding back to fall down my cheek and onto my blue one-size-fits-all—except for my size—hospital gown.

As I calmed down I attempted to find a position on my bed so I could try to rest. Shortly after I had settled, Jon returned to give my Dad a break and then I was able to rest.

Later, when I realized what I had done and said in my confused, agitated state, I was horrified and utterly ashamed of myself and days later when I saw that nurse again, I apologized to him. 

Jon had also assured him that this was not how I normally behaved and expressed how sorry I was to him. Jon was not really sure who his wife had become.

I don't know how I managed to yell as breathing was very difficult. The breathing exercise with an Incentive Spirometer—to help keep the lungs healthy after open-heart surgery—that I had been given instructions to do regularly was almost impossible for me.

Again, it was clear that this was a new and unfamiliar territory and all we could do was take it moment by moment, and only by resting in the Lord, believing that His grace is greater than anything we were to endure. 

Jon sent an update that day, Friday, September 5th, hopeful that he had seen a glimmer of progress:

Walking behind Rebekah slowly down the hall this evening. It was a week ago now at this time when she arrived here straight from the operating room.

Many nurses here recall seeing the breathing tube coming out the next morning [following surgery] and as Rebekah, through the heavy narcotics, realizes she is still alive—yells: "Thank You - God!" 

Being here at the hospital since 1:00 am this morning I've seen progress today. The staff here seem to be pleased with Rebekah's heart progress overall. Just seeing fewer and fewer bags of liquids hanging there each day, fewer lines attached, removal of IV inputs in her neck and arm, removal of heart pacer wires in her chest— it all tells me we're moving forward. 

As her sleeping, eating and exercise habits improve this will affect her breathing positively too. This is the current struggle sometimes, to calm her so she has good sleep—keeping numbers low and not have her gasping for air in panic and confusion. She has enough oxygen but gets agitated and frustrated at times. So her breathing gets harder. 

Let's pray that the mask [bi-pap] machine keeps working for her tonight in this regard because if not, they will seriously look into intubating again with a breathing tube and narcotics and back on antibiotics. We don't want to go back there again.

With aid of the breathing mask last night Rebekah got 3-4 hrs of sleep and has had productive naps today too. 

Physiotherapy did some movement with her this morning and I got some jello, some juice, a few spoons of porridge and a breakfast replacement shake into her. 

Her voice is weak—she can barely talk or visit yet but tomorrow will be another new day to celebrate positive change.

"The LORD is

my STRENGTH,

my DEFENSE,

my REFUGE,

my SANCTUARY,

my GOD of MERCY."

~~Psalm 59:17~~

—Jon

~.~.~.~.~.

This is part 4 of a the series:

One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak

{for #HeartMonth.}

You can read Part 1, the beginning of the series here.


Read Part 5 here.

To receive these updates in an email subscribe to A Soft Gentle Voice.