Engraved on the Palms of His Hands {Day 31}

So on I go not knowing;

  I would not if I might;

I'd rather walk in the dark with God

  Than go alone in the light;

I'd rather walk by faith with Him

  Than go alone by sight.

Mary G. Brainard

Noon. On a Friday. In a big hospital in the fifth largest city in North America.

The ladies on the front desk gather their purses and go out for lunch. The secretary for the surgeon takes us into a little exam room.

I have been waiting for this appointment for a week and a half. Fighting fears for what seemed longer than that. And seeking the One whose presence will rid any fear.  

Fear not, for I am with you.

I sit down on a blue vinyl chair beside the blue exam table. My husband sits in the matching chair. The tall blond secretary asks me, ‘So when do you think you would like to have the surgery.’ I stumble for words. I can’t seem to answer her question.

‘Well, when would you typically schedule it?’ It is the only thing I can come up with.

She tells me since I am young, that I would probably be booked for the middle of November. That would be enough time to get all the tests done that need to be done. And with a young family, I should be feeling better by Christmas.

*****

All morning I had been operating with a nervous energy.

But, with a strange sense of peace to hear whatever was to come.


My daughter had got up early to make breakfast for us ~ to send us off with a full tummy of brown sugar-sprinkled porridge served with buttered toast cut into triangles and fruit dipped in chocolate.

I left a note on the table for my children, reminding them as much as me, that this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.



Now we are left alone in the room with yellow walls. 

We wait almost an hour before the surgeon comes in. He has been studying my files.

He asks me about my symptoms.

I notice his hands. They are so clean and soft.

He tells me he does not believe that my heart is the only thing that is causing my symptoms. Because I have only one functioning lung and have always had shortness of breath he is not sure that doing surgery will really alleviate my symptoms.

He also tells us that it is not just my aortic valve that is narrow. There are actually a number of abnormalities due to the scarring from the treatment I received for cancer 33 years ago. He is not sure when these abnormalities happened, most likely not just recently and most likely not immediately after the cancer, but somewhere between the two.

He feels that the risks involved in open heart surgery far outweigh the benefits right now. Because of my past medical history I am at increased risk. He is one of three transplant surgeons in the city and he says it would be more complicated and more risky to do what would be needed to fix my heart than to do a transplant.

He assures us that there are others who have even more narrow valves and they are able to still carry on with their lives.

I wonder if I ever will be able to handle open heart surgery if it comes to that.

He admits that I am borderline ~ I may or may not be able to handle it on one lung.

An hour later we leave the hospital with a strange sense of relief.

I am glad that he has decided to not cut me open and take my heart into his hands.

I am thankful that my heart ~ my life ~ is in the tender care of the One who has engraved me on the palms of His hands.

The hands that took the nails to redeem me back to himself.

The hands that bid me to come and rest and abide in Him.

The hands that have written my name in His book.

The hands that hold me and will not let me go.

My sister shared these words with me months ago: ‘Look to Christ in all things and make beautiful of what is broken, making much of Him who has purchased you with His blood and given you an everlasting heart.’

I don’t know the end of my story here.

I don’t know how to cope some days with a young family.

I don’t know what the next doctor may report to me. What my next appointment may result in.

I do know God has a purpose.

I do know that God is my comfort.

I do know that He is with me even in the dark places. Where His amazing grace may relieve my fears.

And I will give thee the treasures of darkness,

and hidden riches of secret places,

that thou mayest know that I, the LORD,

which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel.

(Isa 45:3)

For I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me.

So we go on with a sense of peace. A joy in His presence. Choosing to see the mercies that are new every morning. Believing that He is transforming me into His likeness. Even when I am short of breath, I am thankful for the breath that is in me, the spirit of God in my nostrils. 

And know that we live the story He has written for us

and it is all for His glory.

This is Day 31 in a series of, linking up with Nester, for the month of October. Thank you for joining me for this month and coming along with me as we discovered truths about ourselves and our Creator.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.

Being Transformed {Day 30}

We go out to study milkweed and we bring home our science lesson.





But, for me, there is an entirely different lesson as I watch this monarch caterpillar:

For days I have feasted on lies. Gorged myself. She devours leaf after leaf until she is fattened up. I have devoured the lies that will keep me imprisoned in my own skin.



I just want to be normal. I think I can try to hide away, but I am in a glass jar, exposed, with no escape.

At times, I think I can be brave, I molt, to shed skin because the old skin will not allow me to grow.

But, then, I feast on more of what I know.

You are not normal. Just try. Try to be good . . . try to be smart . . . set a good example . . . look like you have it all together . . . try to look pretty . . . maybe no one will notice.

And then I remember the glass. It must be so obvious to anyone really looking. These are the lies I have lived on.

It is reality too. But, I don’t want to be a specimen on display.

I wish that I could just be like everyone else. I crawl up behind a leaf and try to hide. It feels safer there. I molt more. Shed more skin, the lies.

Yet, I feast again. Then molt. Feast. Shed.

I’m tired

I rest.

Maybe there is a way out.


I set up the glass jar, clean out the old leaves, wash away the excrement.

Do I keep on believing that there is such a thing as normal? That I am definitely not it? If I was just like everyone else I could hold me head up high and not be ashamed of who I am.

And there comes a time when I realize

I need to accept reality and stop feasting on the lies.

God is doing a work within. Will I dare believe that beauty will emerge? That life transformation ~ metamorphosis ~can be beautiful?

Can I be so beautiful on the inside that beauty will emerge?

Isn’t that what I need to cling to? Like the caterpillar that spins the tiniest little web ~ a silk thread to hold on to ~ a hope that will make me bold. That He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.



This is how the beauty will emerge. 

Recognizing the truth of what God has done, is doing and will do. 

Resting in His faithfulness. 

Knowing that God pours out His Spirit to change my heart ~ to change the inside.

Believing that He holds me and will not let me go.



Why want ‘normal’ when I can be transformed into something new, something glorious.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord,

are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. 

For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

That I can actually behold His glory and see that He is doing a glorious transformation in my life for His glory.

This is freedom! That I may soar on wings where the Spirit of the Lord is.

I eagerly wait for the butterfly to emerge.

The transformation will take place. One day the wings will eclose. 

The one that used to crawl along will soar, declaring the beauty of its Creator, doing exactly what it has been created to do.

This is part of a series, linking up with Nester, for the month of October.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.

At the Right Time . . . Extravagant Grace {Day 29}

For many years I have kept myself a prisoner in my own home. Well, at least, in my home making. I felt that how well I kept, or had not kept, my house was a reflection on who I am. I felt slightly embarrassed when anyone showed up and my house was not tidy and in order.

I have always acknowledged that when I have a clean and tidy house I ‘feel’ better emotionally. I fail to keep a perfect cleaning schedule and we ‘live’ in our house and so it seems my house is often a chaotic mess.

Toys . . . clothes . . . dolls . .  train tracks . . . books . . . pens and art supplies . . . hair elastics . . . shoes . . . dishes . . . blankets and pillows . . . beads . . . paper . . .  food just made . . .  food half eaten . . . food smeared on windows . . . sticky hand prints . . .  dust . . . piano music . . .  board games and whatever else strewn about making mazes all throughout the house. All not in their ‘home’. No wonder I am such a mess.

But does a clean home really identify who I am?

Yes, I want order and cleanliness, and a warm comforting place to call home for my family, but why do I let it control how I feel, or even worse who I am? Or how I want others to perceive who I am?

Is my desire for a clean and tidy house killing the warm and loving environment my children crave more anyway?

When I am barking for them to pick up the house are they really hearing their Mama telling them to stop enjoying the moments they have created in their play?



I leave off with these unanswered questions. I really don’t know what the answer is. I think it has something to do with balance. But, I walk away from the screen without any concrete answers and I go back to washing the dishes.



That night I get an email from a friend saying they are driving by and would like to stop in.
Just over twenty-four hours after I had vented my struggle above she drops in with her family. She has come to tell me something that has been on her heart for months.

We are finishing our tea, sitting up at the island in the kitchen. Her hands are folded together with resolve. She tells me she and her husband have done something and I am just going to have to accept it. She knows she is talking to one stubborn girl who is full of pride!

I have no idea what she is about to tell me.

She lets her burden roll off her heart; a burden she has been praying about for months. Praying for God to prepare my heart to receive what she is burdened to do and praying for the right time.

She tells me that they are hiring a house-cleaner for me . . . for a year.

And they are not going to take ‘No’ for an answer!

I collapse into tears and can only murmur ‘thank you’.

If she had come a week earlier I know I would have said ‘No . . . No way! You can‘t do that!’

We sit and talk and I share my fears about open heart surgery and what if I am going to have to go through that or my fears about what if they can’t fix my heart . . . then what.

And she knows. She knows how I think and feel but she is doing this regardless of the circumstances in my life. She is doing this unconditionally because she cares.

She walks through the fears with me. She tells me I am not alone.

And I know it. She wraps her arms around me. She has extravagantly demonstrated God’s love and provision and I am overwhelmed with His love that he has lavished on me again and again.

I have been abundantly blessed with family and friends and neighbours arriving on the hard days and coming to help with keeping the house and kids and meals.

And even now through another one of his daughters who is so excited to give this extravagant gift to me!

I am humbled. I don’t even know how to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’; just ‘thank you’.

I shiver with an overwhelming sense of His presence, His peace and joy, the whole rest of the day.

Isn’t that what He desires. For us to be in a place to see His extravagant grace – His gifts and be so humbled by them that we can only say ‘thank you’ and we know His presence and His peace and His joy.

I don’t deserve to have such a friend who gives of herself so extravagantly.

I don’t deserve to have such a God who gives of Himself so extravagantly.

And I can only say, “Thank you”.






{I have been counting His gifts for this year; scratching them down in a gratitude journal, but for today  I share here 3 gifts on time}

962. that God makes all things beautiful in His time

963. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.

964. an amazing friend waiting on God for the right time to bless me in a practical, beautifully extravagant way

This is part of a series, linking up with Nester, for the month of October.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.

The Writer's Curiosity

A Soft Gentle Voice {Day 26}

The prompt for this Five Minute Friday is:

Voice

I write here ~ A Soft Gentle Voice ~ not really that I can be heard, but that I might listen and work out and share what I am hearing.

God met Elijah in the quiet. He did not show up in the wind, or the earthquake, or the fire – not in the dramatic, but in a soft gentle voice – a whisper.

Am I talking too much that I can’t hear what God has to say to me?

Am I looking for the spectacular?

Are my ears stopped up?

Am I quiet enough that I can hear the soft gentle voice of God?

Does the noise of the world drown out that which is most important? The voice of God.

And having heard – and knowing the presence of God  - am I humbled?

It is not really important that my voice is heard here.

It is the voice of God that I want to hear.



STOP

This is part of a series, linking up with Nester, for the month of October.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.

Come with Singing {Day 25}

He’s six – almost seven and he sings songs he composes on the spot as he settles in for sleep. Songs of praise and worship to his Lord.

The house is quiet. The tick of the clock, my fingers tapping on the keyboard, and the hum of the fridge are the only sounds in the background.  But, then I hear the soft voice of my son singing.

In the quiet, in the rest we can look away from the activities that accumulate, the pressures that pile up, the needs that never end, the fears that make us falter.

Instead we, the redeemed, can raise our voice and sing to the Lord.

When we reflect on the beauty and majesty of our God, Creator, Redeemer our eyes are opened and our tongues will sing.

Say to those who have an anxious heart,

“Be strong; fear not!

Behold, your God

will come with vengeance,

with the recompense of God.

He will come and save you.”

And the ransomed of the LORD shall return

and come to Zion with singing;

everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; 

they shall obtain gladness and joy, 

and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

This is part of a series, linking up with Nester, for the month of October.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.

When She Swallowed a Penny . . . My Story, His Glory {Day 24}

There is a part of my life that for years I have lived without embracing. I have lived in part hiding from it and in part trying to overcome it. I have lived in the fears of it. I share it now so that God can use my story here for His glory. 

Not by any choices I have made, but by God’s Sovereignty I have had to endure a life that I would never have chosen for myself. The thing is, we don't get to choose. And really, it is better that way!

Throughout the Old Testament, time after time, the Israelites were reminded to remember what the LORD God had done for them. They were to recollect God’s wonderful acts, lest they forget!

I must not forget what God has done for me. Forgetting what God has done will lead to pride and pride to idolatry. God wants a heart fully devoted to Him and in remembering what He has done builds our trust and faith in Him. Therefore, I must walk by faith in the path that He laid out for me; not by fear!

So when I look back to this part of my life I open up old medical files. These files describe in detail things which I scarcely remember. 

But I have had to go back and recall these past experiences as they build confidence for the present. Seeing what God has done will enable me to walk by faith and not by sight.

I attended a conference in April and Ann talked about the manna that the Lord provided for the Israelites in the wilderness. Manna means “What is it?” a mystery, but it was a daily provision; a gift. We were challenged to look at the mystery – the thing that God has provided for us that does not really make sense in our lives, and give God thanks for it. I had realized in my own searching that complaining brings death. But we need to open up our hand and eat the manna – when we see the gift, even for the hard things, we need to give thanks and we enter His presence of full joy!

That weekend I realized I was to look at my health as the mystery; the thing God had given me as a mystery. The thing He had provided for me to daily depend on Him, to trust in Him; to give Him thanks for the difficult things in my life.

The month I celebrated my third birthday I was admitted to The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto.

For Cancer.

I read in my old typed medical files that:

" . . .  she was perfectly well until August of this year while holidaying in England when she swallowed a penny. Chest x-ray was done and this showed the penny situated in the esophagus but also showed a large mass in the right hemithorax. When she returned to Canada she brought the x-rays with her and was referred by her family doctor to Hospital for Sick Children for further work-up. She was admitted to HSC on September 3rd . . . "

Four days later I was in the operating room. I was diagnosed with an undifferentiated sarcoma - a rare and rapidly growing tumour in children - and I was a thirty pound, three foot, not quite three year old, with a tumour the size of a grapefruit.

My parents were given a 50/50 prognosis, but that 50% depended upon if I responded to the treatment.

They were told that there would be extensive side effects. Permanent damage, nausea, vomiting and hair loss were for sure. Then there would be many other complications that could arise, including the risk that the treatment “could cause a second malignancy later in life”.

Treatments would last for two years and at times my parents questioned whether all that I was going through would be worth it in the end. My mother had a very difficult time and there was not very much support at that time for the parents of cancer patients. My father was self employed and they had three other children at home to care for during this time.

As I am now blessed to be a parent, I can not imagine how difficult it would have been to see their three year old daughter so ill. To watch her blond locks fall out would have been a vivid reminder of how sick their little girl was. When we went out people would stare. My father has shared his memory of one occasion when a grown man pointed his finger and laughed at me with his family. My father very aggressively confronted the man defending his daughter. 

Doubt, depression, anger, shame, fear, helpless. These would be some of the words to describe those years.

Treatment for paediatric cancer was in the pioneering stages in those years.  They treated me very aggressively hoping I would survive. After my initial surgery and treatments and being in the hospital for most of that September and October I returned to the hospital every three weeks for chemotherapy for two years. There were a number of times I was hospitalized for neutropenia.

At that time parents were not permitted to stay with the child during their stay in the hospital. They were allowed to visit, but could not stay overnight. I was often fretful and crying for my mother and father. I have recall memories that bring an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

I remember the vomiting! The anti nausea medication at that time, I have been told, was not very effective – my memories of vomiting validate that.

It was a time in my life that changed my life forever. You don't go through cancer without it affecting the rest of your days.

By God’s grace my life here was extended. 

I often wondered why I had to go through it all, but when I have looked back and realized what God has brought me through and give thanks for it, I wonder why He allowed me to survive it. 

Even as my journey now has difficult bends in the road because of the long-term side effects, God's faithfulness is so evident and beautiful. 

My husband shared these words regarding our circumstances and the uncertain days ahead:

We do not lose hope, we do not grow weary in recognizing the faithfulness of God in our lives. 

He is our comfort, our assurance, our peace. 

Our wills and desires must be en-robed and dissolved in His ultimate will and plan for us.

'The more we seek Him, the more we will find Him. The more we find Him, the more we love Him.' The more we love Him, the more we get lost in His greatness.

This is our highest purpose. 

This is part of a series, linking up with Nester, for the month of October.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.

My Rock {Day 23}

My soul thirsts.

God is my Rock.

My heart is in anguish.

God is my Portion Forever.

My spirit fails.

God is my Steadfast Love.

My flesh faints.

God is my Fortress.

My strength is dried up.

God is my Stronghold.

This is part of a series, linking up with Nester, for the month of October.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.

The Writer’s Notebook {Day 22}

“This assignment is for what we shall call simply ‘The Notebook'. Its goal is to begin technical work on learning how to be a writer . . . This is where you stretch your brain to be as creative in expression as you can be . . . ”

“Make time in your schedule to spend with your Notebook deliberately striving to draw the most graphic word pictures of everything you see, hear, smell, touch, feel . . . The Notebook is for brain-stretching concentrated focus on technique . . . you are concerned only with presenting those thoughts, ideas, emotions [from your journal] in the most graphic explicit language possible.”

~ Ruth Vaughn, ‘Write to Discover Yourself’

Writing a blog is somewhat like keeping a notebook. It is taking the thoughts, ideas emotions, and experiences of our lives and putting words together about them in a creative way. The advantage of the internet now is that as we practice we may even be able to bless others along the way. As we share our stories others may be encouraged.

Another thing the author of this book encourages is for her readers to keep lists in 'The Notebook'. Keep lists of verbs and effective phrases that you come across in your reading or day to day life and record them. This will help to ‘internalize the flow of phrases and the imagery utilized’. Keeping these lists will help in writing creatively and will make a difference in how we put our words together.

“Wherever there are people and you have some idle moments, your Notebook should be in hand striving to ‘capture’ those people in words . . . preserve their idiosyncrasies . . . record their uniqueness. Wherever you go, train your mind to try to capture what is before you in words.” 

~ R. Vaughn

The Time to Write is Yours {Day 20}

This is part of a series, linking up with Nester, for the month of October.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.

Learn to Look {Day 19}

{Writing for five minutes on the topic of: Look}

Here goes:

“Look at me.” The call of a child or anyone who seeks approval. We all do it some way or another, I guess.

At times, we need to stop and recognize the thing that our child had done. We need to really stop and look and see what great thing he has accomplished. Other times, we need to really look into her heart when she calls out because they she desperately wants our love and attention.

But how often do we really look. Do we miss out on those opportunities to study that person in our life because we are too preoccupied with our own thing.

The writer has the benefit of learning how to look. To gaze on and to really see what is before them. If they are ‘actively living’ then they need to use their sight to really see.

'Writing to discover yourself' has opened my eyes to make sure that I do not let the days, hours, minutes go by with out drinking in the scene before me so that I don’t miss out on what is truly important.

STOP

This is part of a series, linking up with Nester, for the month of October.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.

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Walking in the Dark with God {Day 18}

 You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

Isaiah 26:3,4

My children were beginning to stir and I had just about sipped the last of my morning coffee when I read these words again this morning.

I have to come back to them now as my mind starts to falter. As I beat back the fears. It is hard when the day to day happenings crowd in and children whine and complain and I have to just keep going on like everything is normal, but it is not. When I don’t respond to the childish behaviour the way I should because my own anxious thoughts have taken me captive.

This is when I tell myself that when my mind and my faith is fixed on the Lord God I will be kept in perfect peace. The Hebrew translation of Lord God in this verse, Jah Jehovah, emphasizes that He is the eternal, unchangeable One, self-existent and in Him is strength and His strength is ever-lasting. The union of these two forms express God’s unchanging love and power.

So, I keep preaching to myself; to not be anxious but to trust in the Lord. And I read:

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God,which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I know not what awaits me,
  God kindly veils my eyes,
And o'er each step of my onward way
  He makes new scenes to rise;
And every joy He sends me comes
  A sweet and glad surprise.

Where He may lead I'll follow,
  My trust in Him repose;
And every hour in perfect peace,
  I'll sing, "He knows, He knows";
And every hour in perfect peace,
    I'll sing, "He knows, He knows."

One step I see before me,
  'Tis all I need to see,
The light of heaven more brightly shines
  When earth's illusions flee;
And sweetly through the silence comes,
  His loving, "Trust in Me!"

Oh, blissful lack of wisdom,
  'Tis blessed not to know;
He holds me with His own right hand,
  And will not let me go,
And lulls my troubled soul to rest
  In Him who loves me so.

So on I go not knowing;
  I would not if I might;
I'd rather walk in the dark with God
  Than go alone in the light;
I'd rather walk by faith with Him
  Than go alone by sight.

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/nt/711#ixzz29gBoCUfV

This is part of a series, linking up with Nester, for the month of October.

You will find the rest of the series, Write to Discover Yourself: My Story His Glory, here. 

It is a series of posts of sharing what I am learning in Ruth Vaughn’s book, 'Write to Discover Yourself'.