Free from fretfulness . . . in the midst of afflictions

O Lord, my God . . . give me grace, I beseech Thee, to understand the meaning of such afflictions and disappointments as I myself am called upon to endure. Deliver me from all fretfulness. Let me be wise to draw from every dispensation of Thy providence the lesson Thou art mindful to teach me.
Give me a stout heart to bear my own burdens. Give me a willing heart to bear the burdens of others. Give me a believing heart to cast all burdens upon Thee.
Glory be to Thee, O Father, and to Thee, O Christ, and to Thee, O Holy Spirit, for ever and ever. Amen.

~ John Baillie, twenty-seven day from A Diary of Private Prayer

Cast your burden on the Lord
and he will sustain you; 
he will never permit the righteous to be moved. 
Psalm 55:22

How to relax when starting on an IV

With a Russian accent, my nurse tells me to relax, to not be so tense. She is prepping me for an IV for a procedure I need. I had had to fast from liquids as well as solids so my body is dehydrated and my veins are not going to be an easy target. She gathers some warm blankets and wraps my arms up in them to get the blood flowing better.

I was in the hospital for a TEE, a procedure I had 10 years ago and it was not a pleasant experience at all. When this procedure is performed you are to be sedated enough you are not really aware of what is going on, but I was obviously not sedated enough and yanked the probe out of my throat and had a horrible memory of it.

I try to not be tense, but it clearly isn't working. My Russian nurse keeps talking to me; trying to distract me. I am not distracted. It is not that I am terrified of hospitals or pain, I just know what it is like to be poked multiple times.

I suggest she use a small needle as that is generally more successful for my veins, but she decides not to. She attempts to hit one of my better veins, but it collapses. She waits for a little while to see if she can dig for it. She pulls out.

She massages my arm, coaxing the veins to co-operate. Sympathetically, she asks me not to make her cry. I tell her 'I won't make you cry if you don't make me cry'. She tries again. This vein rolls; she missed. She pokes around. She waits and waits to see if she can get it. No. She pulls out again, feeling horrible and tells me she will go get her co-worker, an IV nurse.

We wait until the IV nurse comes in full of confidence. I ask her to use the smaller needle and she says, "Of course, that is what I usually do."

Good. I continue to pray. "Lord, please help her get it. I really shouldn't be this pathetic. Look what you endured for me, I should be able to handle some needles."

My husband is sitting in the corner, not really sure what he can do, watching helplessly. I look to him for reassurance.

The IV nurse gets ready, has her small needle and hits a valve! I wince in pain. Then she pulls out and it is as the needle comes out that I nearly hit the roof and yell. My first nurse comes rushing in to see what is going on and I can only feebly apologize. I assure them I can handle pain; I have gone through childbirth three times without any pain medication. I laugh at myself. My husband laughs with me at my dramatic outburst. I still  feel I have to explain my outcry ~ it really did hurt.

I talk to myself ~ I must relax. I close my eyes. Breathe!

I am so tense now, I could cry!

I pray, finally, Lord please, wrap your arms around me. I need your presence; your peace.

The forth needle goes right in, no collapsing, no valves, and no pain.


The day before I had been praying and beseeching others to pray with me these prayers:

"Almighty God, who of Thine infinite wisdom hast ordained that I should live my life within these narrow bounds of time and circumstances, let me now go forth into the world with a brave and trustful heart. It has pleased Thee to withhold from me a perfect knowledge; therefore deny me not the grace of faith by which I may lay hold of things unseen. Thou has given me little power to mould things to my own desire; therefore use Thine own omnipotence to bring Thy desires to pass within me. Thou hast willed it that through labour and pain I should walk the upward way; be Thou then my fellow traveler as I go." (Diary of Private Prayer)

And then I went in and was sure I could handle this procedure on my own.

Why do I ask that He be my fellow traveler and then march on as though I have to go down this road on my own?

I need to surrender all to His loving care and rest in His peace.

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God,which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

How I Need to Remember to Take them Outdoors

You will find something far greater in the woods than you will find in books.
Stones and trees will teach you that which you will never learn from masters.

--St. Bernard of Clarivaux

"In the first place, do not send them; if it is anyway possible, take them; for, although the children should be left much to themselves, there is a great deal to be done and a great deal to be prevented during these long hours in the open air. 

And long hours they should be; not two, but four, five, or six hours they should have on every tolerably fine day, from April till October. . . I venture to suggest, not what is practicable in any household, but what seems to me absolutely best for the children; and that, in the faith that mothers work wonders once they are convinced that wonders are demanded of them.

~ Charlotte Mason in her first book in the series, Home Education

How to Greatly Rejoice . . . in Heaviness

"I sometimes think the whole art of the Christian life is the art of asking questions. 


Our danger is just to allow things to happen to us and endure them without saying anything apart from a groan, a grumble or complaint. The thing to do is to discover, if we can, why these things are taking place . . . 


 . . . These things happen, says the apostle, because they are good for us, because they are a part of our discipline in this life and in this world, because - let me put it quite plainly - because God has appointed it . . . 


 . . . We are walking through this life under the eye of our Heavenly Father . . . There is a very definite plan and purpose for the whole of my life, God has looked upon me, God has adopted me, and put me into His family . . . 


 . . . The trouble is when these trials come we tend to see nothing but the trials, or nothing but clouds. At such a time . . . When you can see nothing at all just open your Scriptures . . . and say: 'I know God is good, I know Christ died for me, I know I belong to God, I know my inheritance is in heaven, I cannot see it now but I know that it is there, I know that God is keeping it and that no one will ever take it out of His mighty hands.' Say that to yourself. Remind yourself of the things in which you greatly rejoice, though now for a season if need be you are in manifold temptations . . . "


'When all things seem against us,
To drive us to despair,
We know one gate is open,
One ear will hear our prayer.'


{Excerpt from Spiritual Depression by M.L. Jones}

Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory.
1 Peter 1:6-8

A New Heart

I wear wires today. Five leads to monitor my heart rate and rhythm. In about 48 hours I can remove them. Then the cardiologist can look at the results to see what is going on inside me. Can he truly know?

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick;   



Oh, don't I know it. 


who can understand it?

Or do I? 


Do I really know how deceitful? This striving to avail itself of every favourable circumstance to gratify its propensities to pride, ambition, evil desire, and corruption of all kinds. 


Can I really understand the extent of the sickness? 


God knows more evil of us than we do of ourselves. 

Ah well, yes, the cardiologist can look at my physical heart - the one that has been under a certain amount of strain from treatment received over 30 years ago for pediatric cancer. My physical heart; the one that has twisted somehow and does not pump just as it should.

But, he cannot heal me of my real sickness; the one that separated me from my God.  My heart wounded by sin, corrupt, depraved.

My heart is desperately sick.

The only thing that can heal me is the love of God; the blood of Jesus that flowed at the cross can heal this heart. He has given me a new heart.

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

He gave me a new heart. A heart that beats with His. 

. . .  God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Yes, at times I fear the days to come with this physical heart of mine, but perfect love casts our fear. 

I will wear these wires, they will monitor my heart.

But my heart will rest in the One who has formed me and who knows my inmost being and rescued me by His grace.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Calvin, in his commentary, prays,

Grant, Almighty God, that as we are wholly nothing and less than nothing, we may know our nothingness, and having cast away all confidence in the world as well as in ourselves, we may learn to flee to thee as suppliants, and so put our trust in thee for our present life and for eternal salvation, that thou alone mayest be glorified: and may we be devoted to thee through the whole course of our life, and so persevere in humility and in calling on thy name, that thou mayest not only for once bring us help, but that we may know that thou art always present with those who truly and from the heart call upon thee, until we shall at length be filled with the fullness of all those blessings, which are laid up for us in heaven by Christ our Lord — Amen.

Is that what you call . . . living authentically?

So, we made korker ribbon today for a new adventure we are embarking on.

We wrapped the grosgrain ribbon around pencils (for I didn't have dowel rods on hand) and spun it around and around and attached it to the pencils with clothes pegs. Then they went into the oven for 25 minutes and the heat was applied so that the ribbon would stay curly. It worked.

That is how I feel my day has gone - I just spun around and around. The older children were at piano lessons this morning with their Dad and I only had one little one at home, but didn't she have a grand old time getting into everything while I was working on some projects. I should have just played with her!

When the pianists returned home the excitment of what they purchased when they went shopping after their lessons for their little sister's birthday next week just kept escalating. Excitment; or chaos?

So, after homemade macaroni and cheese for lunch, I decide to make korker ribbon. It went fine.

It was the spelling lessons afterward where the heat was applied. I had two children working and the little one playing with playdough. The next thing I knew she had the small top of a marker lid in her mouth.  It scared me!! I over reacted - I got it out ok, but my fears took over and in a very loud and stern voice told everyone to stop what they were doing and pick up every small little thing around. 

  

We picked up anything little we could see and went back to our lessons.

But I was spinning.

I took the time for some quiet and read these words:

O Father in heaven, who didst fashion my limbs to serve Thee and my soul to follow hard after Thee, with sorrow and contrition of heart I acknowledge before Thee the faults and failures of the day that is now past. Too long, O Father, have I tried thy patience; too often have I betrayed the sacred trust Thou has  given me to keep; yet Thou art still willing that I should come to Thee in lowliness of heart, as I now do, beseeching Thee to drown my transgression, in the sea of Thine own infinite love.

My failure to be true even to my own accepted standards;
 
My self-deception in the face of temptation;
 
My choosing of the worse when I know the better;
 
O Lord, forgive.
 
My failure to apply to myself the standards of conduct I demand of others;
 
My blindness to the suffering of others and my slowness to be taught by my own;
 
My complacence toward wrongs that do not touch my own case and my over-sensitiveness to those that do;
 
My slowness to see the good in my fellows and to see the evil in myself;
 
My hardness of heart towards my neighbors’ faults and my readiness to make allowance for my own;
 
My unwillingness to believe that Thou hast called me to a small work and my brother to a great one.
 
O Lord, forgive."

Before bed we read a chapter from The House at Pooh Corner from the Winnie the Pooh series by A.A. Milne. All morning Pooh keeps getting distracted with what he plans to accomplish. He thinks he will go visit Piglet, but is distracted in his thoughts and actions. He ends up walking in circles, getting nothing accomplished and finds himself back at his own house at 11:00 - the time he always eats a little smackeral of something. 

I related to Pooh Bear today - spinning around and not really accomplishing what I set out to do.

How often I choose the worse when I know the better.

 
Too often I fail to apply to myself the standards of conduct I demand of others.

When tucking in my children to bed tonight I had to apoligize and ask them to forgive me for my lack of self control. What I had said was all true, but I had subjected them to my fear. I had let fear control me. They said, of course they forgive me.

It was their prayers for me that struck me.

Yes, I spun today and the heat was applied, and by God's grace at the end of the day all was fine.

Row, Row, Row your Boat

You will find something far greater in the woods than you will find in books.
Stones and trees will teach you that which you will never learn from masters.

--St. Bernard of Clarivaux

September had brought a crisp morning air. First day of school for this year. Fishing.

When we first stared homeschooling I would have had a hard time doing this. I thought that we should start school 'properly'. This in now our seventh year! Hard to believe. But I have come to realize that "the acquisition of mere learning is not necessarily education at all." (Charlotte Mason)


Although the 'fishermen' came in empty handed this time and quite cold it was a great way to start the year. After a snack, some reading and math we were off on a nature walk. A casual walk of observing, collecting treasures, and the grade 5 student capturing photos of things that were of interest to her.

































A good day of curiously discovering.