Jehovah was not in the wind. And after the wind, an earthquake: Jehovah was not in the earthquake.
And after the earthquake, a fire: Jehovah was not in the fire. And after the fire, a soft gentle voice. (1Kings 19:11-12)

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Do You Know Jesus? {One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak for #HeartMonth.}

{To read Part 1, the beginning of the series:
click here first.}

I had no idea I was removed from the recovery ward and admitted back to CVICU. I had gradually slipped into a coma and upon waking up out of it I was very confused as to where I was. Again, I thought I had died and started screaming . . . 

 "I think I'm dead. Yes, this is what it must be like…"

The nurse covering to care for me ran in my room to calm me down. 
I told him, "I'm dead" to which he reassured me that I was not, in fact, dead or I would not be talking to him. This made sense to me so I agreed that I was not dead, but I was dying.

I proceeded to tell him that I was so glad he came in to check on me and wanted to ask him something important:

"Do you know Jesus, Bruce?" I questioned him (although later I learned that was not his name).

"Well," he said, "tell me about him and I will tell you if I know him."

Bruce was big and tattooed all up his strong arms.  I shared the good news of how God sent his Son, Jesus, into this world to save sinners from His just wrath and to give hope and life eternal to those who believe, by faith, in him.

I told him that I was not afraid to die as I had the hope of life eternal and was looking forward to being with Jesus, but I was concerned that maybe he wasn't ready to die.

"I'm ready to die, Bruce, but are you?"

Bruce left the room when we had finished discussing these life and death issues.

I woke my Mom who was asleep on the reclining chair beside my bed and told her that I was ready to die now. God would take care of my children and God had allowed all this to happen so I could share the hope of the Gospel with Bruce. Mom, looked up, told me to stop talking like that (the ready to die part) and get some sleep.

For days after, when I met Bruce while getting my exercise by walking the halls of the CVICU, I would call out after him asking if he had thought anymore about Jesus. The first time I did, he looked at me with a dumfounded look and questioned me if really remembered that conversation—he thought I had been speaking in a delusional state.

During these days, I struggled in my mind with a very strange and simple-minded perspective. I demanded that the doctors discharge me home so I could be with my children for my last days by demanded, I mean, I would interrupt the doctors on their rounds discussing my medical case outside my door and holler that—"I am the patient and you must listen to the patient!! I want out of here."

There were times that I believed I was having a stroke and "gave Jon permission" to remarry a woman who "loves the Lord and would love our children as much as I love them". And there were times I could not figure out why they kept putting a mask on my face and poking me with needles that would bring on a very disturbed sleep.

In my confusion, Jon seemed to come and go and always appeared to be gone when I most needed him. I felt abandoned and lost, scared and anxious.

I was so thankful for the times in which I was more aware and enjoyed a brief visit from our children who came with fresh apples they had picked and homemade muffins my daughter had baked and lots of questions and hugs, but it was overwhelming for them and exhausting for me. They had already been through so much with not knowing how things were going to end up for their Mama and this separation as a family was heavy load to bear. They were so brave and I was so grateful to God for being with us and giving us the courage to pass through these deep waters.

In the midst of sailing these uncharted waters, Jon sent word on September 13th:
It's probably not the healthy choice, but a 'salted caramel mocha latte with whip cream' from Starbucks is a pleasant way to get up and attach invisible battery cables to another new full day at Toronto General Hospital. You gotta switch it up once in a while, ya know. It's good to try new things once in a while. We all tend to do that. Try it—if you don't like it—try something else. 
For many people—they handle their spiritual life like this, too. They search and try all kinds of things to find satisfaction in life but they come up empty every time.
This is where finding God is different. 
"Taste and SEE that the LORD is good!"

In other words—surrender to Him and you WILL be fully satisfied.
There is no risk here. 
In simply tasting—we can only want more. In surrendering—I am already secure! 
It doesn't take long to find with confidence that HE is exactly ALL that I stand in need of!

Talking with balanced spiritual guidance personnel and comfort volunteers here at the hospital—they seem to be trained to encourage you and jump on board with you in whatever path you indicate you are on spiritually—except they dodge around Jesus Christ. They don't know what to do with Him. Rebekah asked a volunteer yesterday if he was a Christian and after searching for words indicated he had some Christian ideas, but also Buddhist ideas and a big love for the spiritual things in nature too. 
My soul food for this day finds its source in the security and preserving nature of God Himself.
"Preserve me, O God; for in You I put my trust. I have said to the Lord, You are my Lord; I have no good apart from You. 
I have set the Lord always before me; because God is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; nor will You suffer Your holy one to see the pit. You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand there are pleasures for evermore." 
{Psalm 16:1, 2, 8, 9-11} 
I want my hope to truly rest and continue to be forged right here as I camp out in the promises of God.

We have seen more progress since early to mid-week when Rebekah spent one day out of ICU and went totally comatose, sparking a series of tests and assessment and a trip back to the ICU again.

We are still in ICU presently but she is stable, getting stronger, waiting for a bed, walking a bit quicker with rests along the way. She was treated with antibiotics yesterday for a bug that was causing a bleed. The staff is still working on balancing her blood thinner levels and analyzing blood gasses that build up. They want to ween her off the assisted oxygen she's been on to help reduce her CO2 levels better. You can continue to pray for those items currently. 
Also, please pray that Rebekah will be able to be less anxious. With full knowledge that God is in control there is still this post-surgery trauma anxiety that the body struggles with as it and the brain work together to cope and understand the new physical changes that have taken place. Our psychology team is helping with this as it is not just as easy as telling her to relax and don't worry so much. Please pray for me in this regard as I find this the hardest thing for me to watch and manage with her.

Medically from the surgery she is doing well. The psychological part is a struggle. Today has been like this so far. They are able to control medically but it all feels unnatural to me. I hope this passes soon. Prolonged hospital stay doesn't help but only feeds into this psychosis. 
Rebekah has had two nights of better sleep and she is eating more. Her appetite is improving a lot. She is responding to physio care and isn't in pain. She still gets very tired and cannot handle much to any visitation quite yet. This will come.
We will hopefully move to general recovery floor early next week now and continue to see the positive changes that she is making. I feel it's the same things over and over right now that I have to write, but I look for the smallest evidences that reveal progress. 
Thank you so much for your continued prayers! 

This is part 8 of the series:
One Thing Our Marriages Desperately Need Today ~~ A Husband's Heartfelt Words as His Wife's Heart was Weak
{for #HeartMonth.}

You can read Part 1, the beginning of the series here.

Read Part 9 here.

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1 comment:

  1. I just want to tell you again how your story is blessing me & how I see the glory & the love of God & the beauty of our sufferings in all of it. God is using your story in an amazing way to remind me how my story can bless others. (Satan has very subtle ways of discouraging me from sharing my testimony) Rev. 12:10 "...for the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day & night, has been cast down. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb & by the word of their testimony, & they did not love their lives unto the death." Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia


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