Jehovah was not in the wind. And after the wind, an earthquake: Jehovah was not in the earthquake.
And after the earthquake, a fire: Jehovah was not in the fire. And after the fire, a soft gentle voice. (1Kings 19:11-12)

Monday, March 18, 2013

I Cried it Too: "Crucify Him!"

I've grown up finding my identify in performance.

I was definitely not an einstein in my early elementary years. Perhaps the cancer and the two years of treatments I endured in crucial developmental years affected my scholarly performance, perhaps not. But, as I made the connection that hard work pays off, I studied hard and was determined to do well.

I studied during lunch hour in the library, and into the night, and would memorize everything because I didn't want to fail.

I dropped courses if it was going to bring my average down for I was determined to be on the honour roll, as though it would define me.

I went to youth group and committed to do my devotions every day because they told me if I didn't then Satan won.

I went to a small Bible College and saturated myself in the Word and in my studies and was determined to graduate at the top as this, even though pride wouldn't allow me to admit it, would define me too.

I never rebelled.

I worked an honest job at an organization that serves missionaries all across the world.

I got married to the only man I ever dated.

I have had three children and now home educate them.

I have a pretty nice life, a cozy home, and amazing friends.

But, I let all this define me.

I refused to let others see the real me. I refused to see it myself.

I wouldn't go out without makeup ~ until my third child was born, and didn't have the choice some days to put it on.

I wouldn't have company in unless my house was vacuumed.

I was a good girl who played life safely. Performance and fear held me in their clutches.

I had decided how I wanted to be identified and made this happen.

I had seen the need for a Saviour and I had repented. I wanted Him to be Lord of my life. But, I made my identity my own.

I failed to see myself for who I truly am. A sinner who screamed with the angry mob, filled with evil and hatred, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" I was His enemy, after all.

It was my sin that he bore on the cross. But, it was His love that caused Him to be led as a lamb to be slaughtered. Without question, He willingly took my sin, my shame and He cried out. "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing!"

I don't need to protect my identity. It is nothing but sinful.

I have a new identity in Christ, when I look to the cross. I lose myself in Him for I died with Him and the life I now live is His!

It is not just a prayer of an eight year old girl in her grade three classroom that changed her life forever, but a daily looking to the cross; it is a life for those who are being saved.

For it is the power of the Cross, and faith, that is the victory, that sets me free.

(for email subscribers, follow the link to hear this powerful song)

linking with Emily's Dare to love yourself, just write, Jen, and Tell His Story


  1. Dear Rebekah
    What an amazing post! Every time we try to save ourselves we also scream with the mob, if only silently in our hearts. I was no exception. I think we do this because of the language the world speaks; the language of performance. Found your blog at Emily's.
    Much love XX

    1. Thank you Mia, for the reminder that in no way can we save ourselves! The language of the cross really is so much more beautiful!

  2. oh Rebekah, you have no idea how encouraged I was by this post. I cannot protect my identity. Wow. YES. I am going to share this. Thank you.

  3. I LOVE this! Thanks for sharing Emily!

  4. I understand how you're seeing things, its just a fear based perspective although, it was also a desire to be good and obedient; Heavenly Father understands this is often a child's viewpoint but, it took you up a sturdy ladder, and He used this weakness and turned it into a strength! Step by step. If I take up my cross daily and deny myself of ungodliness, I believe he takes my tiny efforts and endeavors and transformms my nature into his--just He's been doing with you, Rebekah. He is a gift we will always be indebted to. Wonderful blog! Sincerely Deborah

  5. What an encouraging post this is. I've experienced many of these same tendencies. Different scenario, but at its root, the same struggle. Beautiful, friend.

  6. I love that song.

    And I love how you bare your soul this way. I grew up a "good girl" too, and it's so easy to think that we're secure because of that. But no, we, too, cried, "Crucify Him!" Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this. Beautiful.


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