I've grown up finding my identify in performance.
I was definitely not an einstein in my early elementary years. Perhaps the cancer and the two years of treatments I endured in crucial developmental years affected my scholarly performance, perhaps not. But, as I made the connection that hard work pays off, I studied hard and was determined to do well.
I studied during lunch hour in the library, and into the night, and would memorize everything because I didn't want to fail.
I dropped courses if it was going to bring my average down for I was determined to be on the honour roll, as though it would define me.
I went to youth group and committed to do my devotions every day because they told me if I didn't then Satan won.
I went to a small Bible College and saturated myself in the Word and in my studies and was determined to graduate at the top as this, even though pride wouldn't allow me to admit it, would define me too.
I never rebelled.
I worked an honest job at an organization that serves missionaries all across the world.
I got married to the only man I ever dated.
I have had three children and now home educate them.
I have a pretty nice life, a cozy home, and amazing friends.
But, I let all this define me.
I refused to let others see the real me. I refused to see it myself.
I wouldn't go out without makeup ~ until my third child was born, and didn't have the choice some days to put it on.
I wouldn't have company in unless my house was vacuumed.
I was a good girl who played life safely. Performance and fear held me in their clutches.
I had decided how I wanted to be identified and made this happen.
I had seen the need for a Saviour and I had repented. I wanted Him to be Lord of my life. But, I made my identity my own.
I failed to see myself for who I truly am. A sinner who screamed with the angry mob, filled with evil and hatred, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" I was His enemy, after all.
It was my sin that he bore on the cross. But, it was His love that caused Him to be led as a lamb to be slaughtered. Without question, He willingly took my sin, my shame and He cried out. "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing!"
I don't need to protect my identity. It is nothing but sinful.
I have a new identity in Christ, when I look to the cross. I lose myself in Him for I died with Him and the life I now live is His!
It is not just a prayer of an eight year old girl in her grade three classroom that changed her life forever, but a daily looking to the cross; it is a life for those who are being saved.
For it is the power of the Cross, and faith, that is the victory, that sets me free.
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